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Will go harder after preseason when shit counts...
A cold night, but in my pocket I’m holding the heat
Toes nearly frostbitten from the cold in my feet
But a fire in my heart kept me rooted to the ground
Waiting impatiently for a view or a sound
Nervous, angry, a part of me scared
I’m uncertain, hesitant and hardly prepared
The gun wasn’t easy to get, it’s heavy, hard to aim
But it’s more than worth it for every scar on my brain
Every heart-wrenching pain, everything I had to go through
Then I saw the sneakers, and then his face showed too
I hid my face in my hood waiting for him to walk by me
Under this bridge on this dark street, all grimy
Then I stood up, put the gun to his back, said “Don’t talk.
Just walk, unless you wanna get outlined in chalk!”
I could smell the fear on him as he walked and I followed
Silent as the grave, I could hear every time he swallowed
Two blocks from the playground where I’d leave his skull hollowed
A lifeless body, like a sacrifice to Apollo
It’s almost done, now all I gotta worry about is prison
But it can’t be much worse than this world that I live in
And besides, it’s too late, I made my decision
As I’m thinking this, the black gates come into my vision
He halts at the entrance, I say, “Basketball courts
And try moving faster, I don’t wanna have to use force”
So we walked across the park to the courts behind the fence
Then I kicked him to the ground, said “Get on your knees, keep ‘em bent
You know why you’re here or you have at least a sense
What did I ever do to you to deserve such deep offense?
Or did you just think that I wasn’t gonna find out?
Well I did, I know everything, you’re out of time now!”
I cocked the pistol and put it right to his forehead
His nose already bleeding, now it’s time to make more shed
Right then he started crying, he said “You gotta spare me
I never even got the chance to have a family”
I said, “You wanna beg? Go ahead! It won’t help you
Your ass is the reason my relationship fell through
You shoulda thought of that the last time you were beggin
I made up my mind, I hope you believe in heaven
I guess this is what happens when you try to tame an angel
We were once like brothers, but now this shit is Cain and Abel
You don’t regret what you did, so I don’t regret this
Don’t ever say that I’m the one who’s respectless
If it was only once I still coulda let you have a future
You wanna live? Too bad, beggars can’t be choosers”
One shot to where his heart shoulda been and it was over
A huge weight lifted up off of my shoulders
They put him in a suit and washed the blood off him
They say the best he ever looked was in a coffin
My Topic: http://www.bclocalnews.com/vancouver...102095148.html
He sat on the curb – down and out
no doubt, he had no hope, and no dope
no cash flow to go – no way to cope
each days pains remained,
stained on the back of his brain
playin again and again, no relent
no choice to repent, he’s been labeled a sinner
and his souls been spent on cheap thrills
and all sorts of regrets.
Now each day the same thing,
sitting and waiting sign at his knees
“I don’t need your coins I need change, please!”
He hates these hot summer days
skin burnt from the sun’s hot rays
the gut-rot stays, the pain remains,
he hears what they say, and how they look away..
they feel afraid of his scarred hands
holding soft wood warn by hard sands
a dull blade in his left becomes his chisel
as he whittles just a little by little
his craft goes unnoticed, out of focus
and his only hope is –
he can make it through to Christmas
never offensive but I’ve been offended
i’m already half deafened, upended
attacked and not defended
at a deadend, coulda been done in
where were the police then?!
I never see them, I’d never seen him
when he pulled over, on to the shoulder
got out of the car and started shoutin orders
“Put down the weapon” screamed in jumbled disorder
mumbleds and misunderstood
WHO WAS THIS DUDE? WHAT’S HE TRYIN TO DO?
officer in suit, gun gripped like you know he’d do it
he’ll do it to prove it, frightened I think I better move it
Stumble to my feet deaf, I try to retreat
I accept my defeat just please, DONT SHOOT ME!
BANG BANG! Howled through the air
bullets tear blood sears flowing through my chest
shot in the breast
by an officer who didn’t even try to arrest
he’ll be put to test and done on trial
but all the while I’ll be burnt by flames in the fire.
why did he shoot me? I did so many good deeds,
I lived on the streets but - Fucking, Seriously
I was trying to make ends meet!
I whittle drift wood, i tried to live good
make an honest buck with good luck
and a little love. So what the fuck!?
Where did you come from – feelings so inclined
to just kill a bum?!
Damn.
atlas-The concept wasn't that bad to me i was actually entertained for the most part but it does have the half assed feel on certain sections but some parts felt well done and thought about although you said you didn't try. Most people would of went with the typical bullshit of not killing the guy like that's practical for some so intent on murder lol. Most of the rhymes were basic but it was nice a fluid the whole time through and I actually didn't mind it.
Kevin- Nice to see you back man it's also nice to see you competing again. The story of a bum drug addict getting killed was cool but it ending i felt came to quickly i didn't really feel any suspense it was like pulled over and now your dead! but i enjoyed a little bit more poetic and free from the rigid format that most use and i liked it.
vote kevin brown
Atlas: Good job of story telling and flow, conceptual flow that is. I thought this verse was super linear, which is necessary when it comes down to a story that isn't metaphorical in nature. Your descriptive mechanisms were vivid, though a bit pedestrian.
The cadence and meter of your verse was solid...there were a few lines that felt a bit long, however, the following line in the couplet would only take up 3 beats instead of the 4+ that the first line took up....so it kind of worked out, in an emily dickenson metered kinda way. Honestly, I would've enjoyed more complex rhyme schemes....more end line multi's for sure. Your rhyme words were fairly monosyllabic and basic....but, at least they were consistent.
Content wise...I didn't find any great genius in the concept. In fact, I struggled a bit with the "murderous revenge as the anectdote to infidelity caused by a close friend" idea. It's just very common...and for me, lacked a bit of depth. This could be a personal preference to be honest. In my mind, there should be greater motivation to kill someone in cold blood.
Fastforword:
I struggled with your format. The first half being in 3rd person...then going into first person without any sequae or punctuation threw me for a loop. I read the article that inspired your topic before I read your verse...and it seemed that you did a decent job of telling the story. My complaint, once again, is that weird jump in point of view...maybe break it up next time? Perhaps with an indentation, or spacing? I think it'll help the reader out. Or simply use quotation marks to indicate internal dialogue of the main character?
Descriptively, I thought there was some decent emotional imagery in this verse. You did a nice job of conveying his lot in life and I really enjoyed the "I don't need your coins, I need change, please!" line. That was clever.
See, you utilized quotations there...and following when the asshole cop was speaking...I just would have preferred more consistency.
But yeah, your rhyme schemes...did not do it for me. I felt like you cadence was all over the place. yes, you wrote in short syllabic lines, which usually adds more clarity to the rhythm of the words.....but because your rhyme schemes were so basic, and almost organic to the point of irrelevance, I felt like the short line format became ineffective. There were quite a few opportunities for multi syllabic schemes...and you opted out for word choice. Now...rarely, if ever, will you hear me say that rhyme scheme should trump word choice. And I'm not saying that here...I just think that there could have been more effort put into balancing the words with the rhyme scheme....perhaps with some slant rhymes? Iono...I just felt unsatisfied by the rhyming in your verse.
I felt that both of you had a good grasp on your concepts...I felt that both of you used similar language and vocabulary, so I wasn't swooned by one's fancy words over another's basic language, they were pretty similiar...Imagery wise, both of you tended to lean on emotional imagery heavily (which is my fav), but I felt like Atlas took the lead on visual imagery.
Ultimately, in this battle, my vote is determined by two elements: 1) rhyme scheme/cadence and 2) form defining function. Atlas took the win in the rhyme scheme/cadence category for me...he/she was more consistent and seemed to be a bit more attentive to schematic issues, without producing awkward wording. Fast's verse was just a bit too free form for my tastes. I appreciate organic schemes, i mean, if you read any of my rhymes, you'll understand what I'm saying...but, there just seemed to be a lack of attention from Fast that rubbed me the wrong way.
As far as form defining function...I felt like Atlas's story telling skill was more effective than Fast's. Atlas's verse wasn't a fancy story with lots of surprises and twists, but it was told very coherently and consistently. Fast's verse seemed a bit rushed in the formatting...and I'm referencing the shift in point of view/perspective.....I just felt like it was sloppy.
So, vote: Atlas. Nice match up...fairly even competition here. Good luck!
Atlas - I liked this, nice story telling ability and a pretty cool concept. The imagery was cool. I thought the flow was a little choppy though and some words
weren't needed. Nice piece though I thought it was pretty creative.
Fastforwords - Thought this was good, pretty poetic style-wise I thought. Nice concept which you executed well. I found the switch between narrative views a little strange but not strange enough to say I didn't like it. Hmm you had a lot of imagery in this also, which was naturally aided by the story in the link... Overall pretty solid piece for the pre-season.
Okay so I thought this was pretty close, honestly could have gone either way but for the enjoyability and concept, vote - Fastforwords.
atlas-you came quite basic for the length of your lines...flow needs to be more complex, try adding internals...story was ok, could've been a bit better by adding a few twists....i liked the imagery, that was your strongest point
FF-flow was smooth i liked that alot...i loved how you switched between third person and 1st person...its hard to do that and not a lot of people can execute it well, here you proved a lot of people wrong by doing so....your piece overall was more executed well hence the creativeness...imagery was solid
v/FF for a more well executed piece
3-1... phrantik wins