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@TheIllyricist @143
les goooo
in this
The Desert Storm
Three days sun and a long afternoon before the moon
A trio of riders strided to Old Loon’s saloon
In a triple metal click of heel spurs
With feline grace they walked with a steel purr
Purposed with need, food, drink and a bed
And maybe a whore for wounds where they bled
Unsaid and unwept in broken eyes of the unslept
“You three, outsiders from hell, no trouble here
Or I’ll have you pissing a puddle of fear.”
The bartender laughed in light of the night
And the first rider joined to his right
“Ya’ goddamn’ Old Loon, ain’t changed a bit
What’s the news here in this maniac’s pit?”
Three drinks poured, and three whores talk with no hitch
Plus another because one is a greedy son of a bitch
A darkened frowned shows an old man in a bind
“These days be the kind of dark times,
I’ve got a gang that thrives under rule of the knives
Axel the Slasher, there in the corner
Bides his time with his boys til’ he’s drunk with disorder:
And the Man In Black right over there all alone
Seems he’s made the night to be a home all his own”
“Stop!” A female scream and a knife at her throat
Axel with his blade, death is the vote
All is quiet, violence supported in silence
Until a BANG, gun fire to the highest
“Touch her again and that’ll be the end of you tyrants,”
The Man In Black boomed with defiance
“Drop your knife and act with compliance
Or I’ll show you why you’re sheep amongst lions.”
Axel the Slasher quaked with laughter
His blade moved for the splatter
Until his head split in two, an end to disaster
As all his men scattered in fear of the attacker.
The Old Loon found surprise from all the discord, the man wanted no reward
And at first light he joined the three riders to make four upon the desert storm
“With us you won’t find no treasure, no silver or the glittering of gold.” Fine,
He only wanted laughter, good company, and a little peace of mind.
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It's funny how things work...
Events in spurts, sprouting outcomes through birth
Showing signs that life's a maternity ward
Where concern to the hordes pales in shades from serenity's chords
I'm in a state that euphoric to the religious
Scripture perfect in the moving to this resting place
The aching fades to dispatch commonality for prestigious
Putting smiles on grieving, relieving from frowning faces
I knew the first place I wanted to go to was here
The beauty is simple but complex as it was clear
Wanting to feel that moving wind but deadened to the touch
I rush over heads dividing the aware from the unaware
Wondering if care was ever placed, reddened from the crush
Blistering to the magnificent, jeweled like a billionaire
These visions of little tikes acting fishy like
Wishing the fission spike joy from sand of a squishy type
They would write messages not knowing someone would report it
And deliver before the belligerent sea water would distort it
The world peaceful as I knew it before....
Then I'm sadden to reclaiming of the vision
Unnerving to the mission of reliving this instance
Grimacing to the to finality of what was my old reality
Finding banality to the overcoming newness of insanity
Actually the calamity of the veracity to expand capacity
Testing my minds elastic venalty from being, organically
I can't sit well by being not present in the present
A tainted dinner waiting for peasants pleasantry
Above the browning sand the sun rise from its crescent
Purifying the urge to cuss, stunting in brevity....
And I relax....
In the back I can hear a certain tune whine...
Everybody loves the sunshine........
iight. . so first up, Ill
The story was well handled and carefully crafted. Certainly played out like a movie short. I enjoyed the dialogue sections which typically, i dont care to see in verses, so kudos on that. I tip my hat to the fact that you even left room for a bit of character development in between, and although this didnt consistently have a high level of complexity in every line, the compromise was lines that really complemented the story. For the most part, the flow was spot on but got messy in a few places. The pacing was great, never got bored or felt the story was dragging.
I see a complete piece here. Story driven, good descriptions, good pace. Just the couple minor things i pointed out really
143,
Your concept was meaningful and poetic. Its obvious that you took the vocabulary department, and this was actually pretty toned down compared to most of your bodies of work. I like this version of you more if im being honest. It reads more natural imo. Strong metaphors throughout, and i already said this, but its that deep underlying poetic vibe that pulls me in. the flow was cool, you had an interesting rhyme scheme going on throughout with only a few parts where i thought the wording was a tad awkward
this was a great battle here guys. and its hard for someone like me to vote on because they are equal in terms of execution even though they are different in approach
i keep bouncing back and forth off each verse, so i had to go to categories to help me decide. . and heres how i see it
story - i gave to ill
vocab - easily 143
literary elements - ill
imagery - tie
flow - tie
multis - 143
creativity - ill
i have illlyricist edging this one out. 143 had a great verse, i just think the fuller story ill provided had a little more meat on the bone and gave a us a more complete package
Vote - Theilllyricist