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@Sammy @143
WEEK 1
Sammy vs 143
Check in by 1/30
Verses By 2/3
Votes by 2/7
No 24hr extension past 2/2
See rules here --> http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...=1#post8787479
Here are your topics:
http://img07.deviantart.net/f867/i/2...po-d9m48ma.jpg
http://orig15.deviantart.net/fcf8/f/...9a13272df8.jpg
Fingerprints of the Gods
The Mortal Instruments
Calcifying Pavements
Acidic Archetypes
woof!
good luck
Fingerprints of the Gods
lets rewind...
As time emits residual energy,
tracing back...far back to primitive entropy
It’s a system. Enter deep. A vision. Let them sleep
Guiding light, let it be - POOF...there you have it: Sentient beings!
Maestro of masochist music;
violins of violent symphony
Moonlight? No, nada. Weaver of science and symmetry
Engineering lines with conciseness and imagery.
The light that intervene despite a slightest blur in between.
But what of life?
What if this whole shit hole’s a stage set.
What if Deja Vu is but a glitch in the matrix
as minutes and days sets;
time ticking away; just .. flicking.
lets say … reality’s a fluttering makeshifts
every sthuthuttter’s the truth … swiftly “shut” by the Maker
mortal mind have pondered but none was able to conquer it
Even Carl Jung slipped into Freudian consciousness
Its a Void. A cosmic test; Toying with all of us.
reality spun from finest fabrics of wool
divine cesSPOOL but yet crooning… “in God we trust”??
where’s the sense as dollars adjust,
lost lamb slaughtered for funds
go ahead and hedge the bet and test the water
for monsters and such.
Made in His image? my fingerprints should be Godly, i trust.
If we're made in his image then God's not nearly flawless enough.
It looked like condensation was alone around her eyes
The way they manipulated the sedated lashes from being spry
Integrated with the lies that truth pulled the covers back on
Irritated with the ties that proof bulled the others acts gone
Her look is immersed in the soliloquy buoyed by anticipation
Congregating instances into weather patterns soliciting locations
Wrapping a waterproof cocoon around her heart fearing drowning
Capsizing in the unknown that's prone to dine on her feebleness
The seething get aggressive as the repressed nature's frowning
Dampening drying thoughts built to sustain and protect her weakness
A day goes by as the sun lights highlights on waves crashing
Caving shore-less stability to fathering spawns of long lost hopes
Inspiring aging on long tossed ropes to save her from grave thrashings
Lashing out with thunderous statements, jaunting pronged copes
But even so at the end she is flooded
Her levees succumb to the tidal images of explosive nights, muddled
Leaving the only clear picture for her heart. to take a swim to salvation
Replenish the resistance to the pain encompassing the landscape of she
And when reaching dry land, benefit from the reconstitution from dilapidation
Finding sunshine and the sullen songs that escape from weather machines.....
Still, she, now and then, dive to try to find traces of her buried treasure
Hoping her captain sails back to the docks and be one in pleasure........
http://orig15.deviantart.net/fcf8/f/...9a13272df8.jpg
i'm voting for sammy
i delved into his concept and enjoyed that he used my topic suggestion, i enjoyed the rhymes and the language, and it's one of the first pieces i've read that had an un-rectangular structure that i enjoyed.
my only criticism for the piece is more of a question: what the fuck is a sthuthuttter ?
143 had a good piece too but i didn't get into it as much as sammy's on my two read throughs of both.
This was a difficult vote for me....
Sammy: I loved the crisp idea of how mankind was manifested in a sense of Prometheus.
The flow was steady and held some interesting content. Most definitely imagery played some action in reliance.
Not too far fetch or over wordy. Just enough detail to convey the overall quality. Good read man.
143: Another excellent read, poet. What stood out the most were your selective storytelling that perceived her journey even further than what's truly intended. Some vocabulary could be toned down a bit considering some may need a google search depending on the content. Your flow wasn't too bad either. Just needs abit more cater to your imagery.
Flow:tie
Storyline: 143
Imagery: Sammy
Better Topic: Sammy
Structure tie
Vocabulary:143
Overall analysis, I have to go with 143 more captivating with his story told. Good read from both participants.
Interesting battle guys. Had to read both of a couple of times.
Sammy - I love the raw structured approach when it works, and for the most part, yours does. There is some minor missteps in the flow, but the imagery and the vocabulary are pretty well utilized. I enjoyed the beginning and the end, though I felt in the middle you slightly fell off a little bit with minor slips in the flow and structure. I feel like you write to beats at times, and I definitely see how it would translate to a song for sure. I appreciate that aspect of it, and I do feel it is what gives you the ability to pull off the structure so well.
Favorite Lines:
Maestro of masochist music;
violins of violent symphony
Moonlight? No, nada. Weaver of science and symmetry
Engineering lines with conciseness and imagery.
Made in His image? my fingerprints should be Godly, i trust.
If we're made in his image then God's not nearly flawless enough.
Nice multiples and imagery in that one part there. The last two lines were powerful and interesting for a number of reasons, and really added a lot of impact to your piece overall. Clean up a little of the rougher edges and you will definitely have some interesting works in here man. Keep it up.
143 - Been a while man! I really enjoyed the poetic structure in this one, and it contrasted nicely from your opponent's approach. I definitely enjoyed the switch up in the flows as well. It added a nice touch and kept things fresh throughout. Maybe a bit smoother transition might ease the awkwardness in some parts, but I thought it was well done overall.
Favorite Lines:
But even so at the end she is flooded
Her levees succumb to the tidal images of explosive nights, muddled
Leaving the only clear picture for her heart. to take a swim to salvation
Replenish the resistance to the pain encompassing the landscape of she
And when reaching dry land, benefit from the reconstitution from dilapidation
Finding sunshine and the sullen songs that escape from weather machines....
Real slick imagery and vocabulary man. I believe you have definitely improved since the last time I have read any work from you. I like the broad scope of the storytelling here. Nice way to tie it up with the image as well.
Overall - This was actually a nice battle here guys. Definitely an interesting match up and both reads were intriguing in their own right. I think Sammy had some real unique content that definitely highlights ability as an artist. The overall technique and could use a little polish, but that damn closer was came out of no where and really finished it off nicely. 143 came with all sorts of poetic weaponry with some very nice flow, vocabulary, and imagery, and even though the vocabulary itself may be overdone in some places, sacrificing story for complexity itself, the overall polish and technique is evident with the closing and the way it ties in to the image and topics themselves.
Nice one guys. Looking forward to reading more and competing against you both!
Vote - 143
Sammy:
^"Primitive entropy", huh? That is an interesting phrase, but I'm wondering if it's a tad oxymoronic. I mean, when you think of the word 'primitive' you think lacking development and when you think of the word 'entropy' you think decline. Now in order for something to be in a state of decline it must first have been in a state of development or advancement beforehand, correct? Then again, entropy can also mean discord or disorder, so perhaps you are alluding to a phase of cosmic chaos from which the universe as we know it was born? Yeah, it's probably the latter. Damn that was a lot of imagery and thought for such a small amount of words...lol.Quote:
lets rewind...
As time emits residual energy,
tracing back...far back to primitive entropy
It’s a system. Enter deep. A vision. Let them sleep
Guiding light, let it be - POOF...there you have it: Sentient beings!
As for the proceeding lines I really like the staccato like flow. It guides the read in a desired tone. Now how that all equates to an explanation of the phenomenon of intelligent life is currently beyond me. But its metaphysical nature allows me to interpret your words in a variety of different ways. But PM later if you will to help fill in some blanks. Good stuff tho.
^ Now to me that was fuckin' dope! The wording is what stands out. It was crisp, clean, and descriptive. Also, the flow was fluid. Not to mention, I really dug the content. I'm a strong believer in the string theory so to speak and I believe The U-n-I-Verse is made up and composed of frequencies. Now that can be interpreted as being rhythmic or almost musical. I, for one, however, so happen to think of it being more like a jazz symphony than a heavy metal jam session, but to each their own. Either way you were spot on. Dopeness!Quote:
Maestro of masochist music;
violins of violent symphony
Moonlight? No, nada. Weaver of science and symmetry
Engineering lines with conciseness and imagery.
^Again, the staccato flow is working wonders for your verse and, I'm noticing all the little complexities of your scheme. Impressive stuff Sam. Also, I'm liking how clean your lines are. The wording is really nice. Although, I will say I am not entirely sure what your point is. And like L.E. pointed out the 'stutter' line is a bit odd. Still tho...I did enjoy the mechanical aspects a great deal.Quote:
The light that intervene despite a slightest blur in between.
But what of life?
What if this whole shit hole’s a stage set.
What if Deja Vu is but a glitch in the matrix
as minutes and days sets;
time ticking away; just .. flicking.
lets say … reality’s a fluttering makeshifts
every sthuthuttter’s the truth … swiftly “shut” by the Maker
^So are you saying to know the unknowable is a unattainable expectation and to pursue such a feat will only lead one to create inconclusive theories and psychoanalytical data thatQuote:
Even Carl Jung slipped into Freudian consciousness
Its a Void. A cosmic test; Toying with all of us.
reality spun from finest fabrics of wool
divine cesSPOOL but yet crooning… “in God we trust”??
where’s the sense as dollars adjust,
lost lamb slaughtered for funds
go ahead and hedge the bet and test the water
for monsters and such.
Made in His image? my fingerprints should be Godly, i trust.
If we're made in his image then God's not nearly flawless enough.
may never be confirmed as being absolute? Also, are you saying money corrupts and clouds the minds of men from knowing the truth...or are you simply saying there is no truth to begin with? Again, PM me so we can dissect this more in depth.
Overall: I really liked the cosmic and mysterious type aura this piece has. It raises a lot of questions and makes the mind wonder beyond its normal comfort zones. And when you add all the mechanical highlights such as flow and wording to the formula you end up with one hell of a read. Really dope shit you got here man, really!
143:
^The intro was pure poetry. The imagery, the flow, and the wording in those first 3 bars was damn near flawless. However, the 4th bar was not as good. In fact, the wording seemed way off and confusing. I think it's the word 'bulled' that irks me the most. Maybe you meant 'bullied' instead? Still, that entire bar just doesn't do it for me. The first three were golden tho!Quote:
It looked like condensation was alone around her eyes
The way they manipulated the sedated lashes from being spry
Integrated with the lies that truth pulled the covers back on
Irritated with the ties that proof bulled the others acts gone
^ The rhyme scheme is creative...aided mostly by your clever use of internals and slant/half rhymes. However, the flow does seem a bit long winded and stretched too thin. Still; there seems to be a method to your approach. Also, the sheer fluency of your imagery gives the reader enough depth to get lost in. The entire time reading this passage I kept looking down at the picture nodding my head line- by-line as to how it all tied into the image below. And, like the picture, your words come across as more than text, they come across as tiny works of art. Dope stuff here #s! Incredible phrasing.Quote:
Her look is immersed in the soliloquy buoyed by anticipation
Congregating instances into weather patterns soliciting locations
Wrapping a waterproof cocoon around her heart fearing drowning
Capsizing in the unknown that's prone to dine on her feebleness
The seething get aggressive as the repressed nature's frowning
Dampening drying thoughts built to sustain and protect her weakness
A day goes by as the sun lights highlights on waves crashing
Caving shore-less stability to fathering spawns of long lost hopes
Inspiring aging on long tossed ropes to save her from grave thrashings
^ This verse refuses to submit or be held down in anyway. It's words are like torn pages from a book of poetry floating carelessly in the breeze like the autumn leaves. (I tried) lol.Quote:
Lashing out with thunderous statements, jaunting pronged copes
But even so at the end she is flooded
Her levees succumb to the tidal images of explosive nights, muddled
Leaving the only clear picture for her heart. to take a swim to salvation
Replenish the resistance to the pain encompassing the landscape of she
And when reaching dry land, benefit from the reconstitution from dilapidation
Finding sunshine and the sullen songs that escape from weather machines.....
But, yeah, you seem really focus this battle. The words and the photo have a true connection and they counterbalance one another. However, due to the abstract and poetic nature of the read there are areas that escape my understanding. For instance, "sullen songs escaping weather machines" needs some explanation. PM me so we can discuss the meaning of that line. I'm curious as to your interpretation.
^I have no qualms with this outro. What a great way to sum it all up and bring the topic home.Quote:
Still, she, now and then, dive to try to find traces of her buried treasure
Hoping her captain sails back to the docks and be one in pleasure........
Overall: What can I say that I haven't already said? This was a great read. The poetry in your content alone was worth the price of admission. Sure, there were some confusing spots and wording problems, but nonetheless a lot talent displayed here. Props dude.
Vote -- Sammy
It was a tight battle the entire way. And, honestly, no one beat the other. In fact, the real winners were the readers. But the reason I chose Sammy is simply because I had to choose someone and as much as I loved 143's verse, I dug Sammy's just a little bit more due to all the questions it raised in my mind. Plus, after just smoking this blunt and watching an episode on the Cosmos...well...you guys get it. Impressive stuff. One of the best battles I've seen in a long while. Thanks. And...
Peace!
Dope drop Sammy. Concept was pretty straight forward, but still held my interest. Nicely written flow wise, it read smooth from start to finish and had enough stand out lines to push it forward to the end. Nice use of rhyme scheme switch ups to keep it entertaining as well.
143, I liked and disliked your piece. I'm a fan of natural wording and emotion in pieces. And from the jump I felt like your drop was a little forced to have a poetic feel to it. It hurt the piece for me. I thought your take on the picture was ok but under developed. You tried to do too much with it without having the proper back story, I felt like I had no idea who the person you were talking about was. And by the end I had a lot of questions. I felt your use of a slow rhyme scheme didn't help either. The piece was dragging along for me by time I got to the A/B/A/B pattern.
I felt this match was a little one sided. Both had decent drops, Sammy had the better one.
Vote - Sammy
Sammy is the winner 3-2