Originally Posted by
Echelon
White Winter
Grins are shown ,they stay a glow, black footprints lie beneath white winter snow
4.5, 4.5, 9.5...Weak opening 2 rhymes. Very strong close to shut me up.
Past shadows vanish as our sin is stoned, fall ends, yet here rose our friend of hope
NEGATIVE grade for "sin is stoned" AFTER a great phrase of "past shadows vanish"...followed by average@best closer.
ARE YOU FUCKING TROLLING OR NOT
LIKE AT THIS POINT YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ME..."Past shadows vanish"...that's writing. In what way is a sin ever stoned? Fuck off let's continue.
He cleansed us when we consumed the menace, lit up our souls then fueled the essence
Now snowflakes fall with our gloom, depression, alas a Christmas with a future present
I am just having fun with you AJ. I truly find this to be quite a dope couplet to close the stanza! 9-9.5!
We’re grateful for our countless blessings, even when we refused to embrace your might
Good but not great...slightly cliche out of a holy book.
OK it appears numerical 1-10 OR just a comment, and yes occasional harshness above^.
Back when our faces resembled the grayest skies, because we couldn’t fight the pain inside
I can't knock this. I enjoy the rhyme and I've never seen this exaxt wording.
Back when autumn leaves fell from the tallest trees, we were rotten seeds restrained from light
Just Two brothers with a decaying frame of mind, souls pitch black, that couldn’t change to white
ehhh..motherfucking DOPE, you borderline troll...write like this all the time please?
OTHER THAN the phrase "restrained from light"...ehh bit reachy for the rhyme but man this couplet grades high like your last stanza-closer...9-9.5 again!
Autumn leaves/ tallest trees sounds "old"...but I've never seen it before! Splendid mr. @echelon
Hawk eyes were on us day and night, for we did what we must to survive
Stealing bread rations, taking tiny bites, a pair of thieves being parasites
TEN OUT OF TEN AJ - FUCK all your other lack of efforts
We hid in the dumpsters of dark alleys, trying to avoid police that roamed the streets
Just Two miserable homeless teens, searching for the missing piece to their broken dream
still good 9.5; dreams could be plural if u wanted...could be. singular's fine too
Life was looking bleak, autumn leaves fell along with our well being
Lice ticked over our scalps with fleas, skin disease, our health had ceased
Still HOT 9.5
Heavy breathing had you blacking out; we grasped each other’s hands to move through this journey strong
But cries were heard for miles on that gloomy dawn, waking up, to see you were nearly gone
No longer sizzling...I feel like you need some more (or less?) punctiation... by the end this bar is a bit too wordy...
NOT bad but certainly not 9.5-10 fire as I've seen above.
We were just two scared kids with fear eating our carcass, not stopping till it’s leaving us heartless
Each day that passed weakened our conscious, oxygen was like breathin' some toxins
The Multi is OK, phonetically fine... CONTENT: cliche-alert...you are reverting to your old self with some of these reachy terms and descriptions here....you're back to middle ground with a 5-6 area...6.5 would be really pushing it.
On this endless season of autumn, we sat beneath the trees, seen as forgotten
A brown leaf fell to our feet, but we looked in despair as it began to darken…
Better...I don't have a problem here. Your closers have been strong I've noticed...i liked the final frase...
ALTHO.,, WHERE EXACTLY IS THIS STORY GOING.
Some repetition AJ?
A bit of repetition just a bit....let's get somewhere shall we? With this.
Oh god it's religious...I will try not to...mm..
It seemed like all hope was lost, our sorrow was about to tie this rope a knot
Till a white light appeared with a drawing glow, that lead us to a tree, with a broken cross
We were hesitant to pick up the pieces, for the tree in front of us had all black leaves
But we each took one half; those were the instincts of the grandest thieves
first line metaphor tries to be clever but i don't love it
2nd line here we get into a story at least...
3rd line i really do like the black leaves description.....however based on your rhyme flares you could probably re-do that 3rd line with more impressive rhymes...ehh...maybe even switch the structure of the sentence (reverse it) throw in the term "blackened leaves"...n rhyme w that phraze... i donno..i'm riffing here AJ, that's where my mind goes
4th line pretty terrible.. would any1 in real life ever say "instincts of the grandest thieves?" i donno maybe in the 1800s.
The two pieces were drawn to each other, like they were attracted by the same white beam of light
Each piece had a unfinished writing, but when put together, spelt “Jesus Christ”
you EITHER force the rapper to execute the full "an" (make it work 'an-Un')...or you take it out entirely! and say "had unfinished writing"...I'd lean towards the latter<
THE ONE THING YOU DON'T DO IS THE HALF-STAGE OF STICKING AN "A"
IT'S "AN" OR "NOTHING", IMHO, preferably nothing.
I am nothing and something.
Right then, the white light reeled us in, saying that only faith will clear our sins
We accepted him, Jesus, as our savior, friend, whom we swore to worship till the very end
Atheist here but trulllly digging the closer, again AJ!!! The rhymes are clean, ugh..prettty fucking fire man 9-9.5 again
Cliche? Yes a bit for sure, but it's a religious topical what else is he gonna say? I got no probs with most of your fire closers.
We were just two homeless brothers, but now were the sons of a greater being
"we're"...that typo is important bcuz it's a different word, essentially
Our chests started to glow suddenly, as our black souls were whitened clean
mmm the whites and lights are starting to pile up, like your old days...not terrible, but not fire like some of the closers. We are certainly back to average here at best.
That day started a new beginning, the status of our old life withered
All the black leaves fell from that tree, the change of a black autumn to a white winter
Tremendously boring and predictable, but the execution is OK. Not fire...but not bad either.
I feel like with the black leaves falling, and the changing of seasons...u could have come up with some FIRE ... if u re-did this stanza just a bit, i donno
I look into the vast distance; passed the skies blue colorful hues
remembering how the hummingbird's chirp matched your wondrous' mood
cliche but GOOD, i.m.o.
you were subtle with gloom;NEGATIVE grade. Absolutely terrible trite phrase for a rhyme fit. The old AJ we are trying to help cleanse... singing it to sleep with lovable tunesmeh.
soothing any troubled creature that moved under the moon
the flowers would bloom; every time it sensed your motion in presence
your devotion to blessings captured rising oceans in essence
you glowed with fluorescent fragrances that flourished your life
time would stand still as your tranquil beauty allured in the night
very solid flow here...back to the good writing we know u r capable of. nice 5 lines of vague trash here. the execution is nice.
You were the source of delight; and I assured your leave wasn't in vain
For your son is sustained; to shine his bright light on the coming of day
not bad; but not great...the rhymez r fine here. content? the readers will decide.
Through perilous clouds summoning gray; I'll clear the thunder and rain
illuminating all that plummet in pain: all when I hover above the terrain
Watch my radiance seize the hand, and dispose of the dire deeds of man
And from the trees and grass to the seas and sand; I promise there’ll be a peaceful land
ANOTHER HIGH GRADE AS YOU START TO CLOSE.....back to the good stuff man...It sounds like..fkn...sounds like God is Talking!!! This quatrain represents everything u r, to me....the good parts of you writing..."summoning gray" is a bit reachy/stretched??? ONLY thing keepin this quatrain from a perfect 10 bud...9.5!!!
Once that need is grant;NEGATIVE GRADE. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PHRASE I hope you smile like the sweet sun you savored
I’ll always remember you as my beloved creator; Mother Nature
Rest of the closer is Okay, fine...but NOT THE FIRE OF THE QUATRAIN PREVIOUS....i enjoy the very final rhyme, that last line almost made me forget the need is grant.
