A Disciple's Thread

Yo pac I just have this feeling that they might finally be clapping down on psych though

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Not all drs are bad and I’m the first to admit that too

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My file for dissability is literally at least a foot tall… but when I went to read it… everything was a lie and nothing was even accurate. Hey lie like crazy too though

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The first page said someone killed themselves in front of me… nah I was at a party that got lit the fuck up and the kid standing behind me got shot because my boy next to me pulled me down to the ground by my hair.

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And I’m not the only one from here that got heart either… I really do feel I was mentored well in life mostly

To be honest… I’m really surprised that after the children being murdered in Newtown CT that psych didn’t get regulated them… I’m the first to admit that crazy people are a public threat to society

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CAN be a public threat to society*

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I almost threw up when I found out he was my drs patient too

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Now I know why my first instinct was to wonder if he was even there or was he blacked out… and then you get scared all the things they did and do when you are blacked out. I’m not finishing my Neuro psych testing without my mom AND bf being there

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In the room with me there

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They saw it makes me retarded when they do that and they just wouldn’t stop

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And yes… now I know why when I woke up in psych the time my bf and mother lied why I couldn’t figure out how to dial the phone

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I have brain damage to my memory confirmed with MRI and lo and behold I was brainwashed which effects what? Memory? But they want to lie and paint me as some drug addict and that’s what did… yeah right… I NEVER did worse than sniff coke

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I haven’t had a dirty tox screen since 2017 and the report of when they said I had marks all over my body and not bruises… I just want and need a good, moral, regulated dr… and I do miss Dr Stancov… as soon as I get a major break thru she gets promotion :(
I’m in a rock and a hard place cause Neuro psych is out of my psychs office… maybe she should be there too

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Or maybe just start from scratch again…

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The night he didn’t come home… and the pic I had and didn’t know what happened that night but remember getting dressed… but to be honest before they even put me in psych I was wondering why 2 packs of cigs were on the table open

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They lied and said I wrote a suicide note and the cop refused to listen to me and wouldn’t make them prove it

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That’s the time when I woke up and couldn’t figure out how to dial my phone

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My bf didn’t make me sick… I know cause the girl at my school got grazed by a bullet a few months prior and had the EXACT same scar I did

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I glitched when she showed me

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I mean I’m not some machine I am a person and they never even asked me to do this or sign up for the shit other

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Either*

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I curved… I’m not pursuing charges against my ex and on the strength of I know it’s resolved now

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I didn’t die I mean*

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The funniest part is I’ve never been so regular with my period in my entire life as I am now LOL

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Cause I know where he comes from and it’s not that I’m scared but honestly I do respect it

When I woke up in the morning BEFORE my ex and his mom and the police ambushed me in the lobby I didn’t remember… I remember the bite to eat though

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Ps my bf laughed out loud when “realest killaz” came on… at the tennis part

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I love tennis cause I suck so bad that I’m running after and picking up balls the entire time so it’s more fun than jogging HOWEVER I have a killer serve!!!

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I haven’t played in years but got my racket from my dad’s house when he passed… yo my heart broke. I love my dad to death and he really was the only one that knew how to fix me

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https://youtu.be/LNjuYmfjlr0?si=6BQ9FTIiCCceAW2x

Love that song…

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I didn’t sell my soul but I tried to for kids… I’m not worried cause I ain’t ever get a kid… they have nothing they can offer me type

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That’s why I put up with woman beater cause deep down I also know that if I did get pregnant - he might’ve ended up in a ditch anyway

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Yes when I’m highly psrexed I visit CH in the grave yard to think and talk and try to get some guidance or advice

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Perplexed*

WHY
He wonders why I act like a boy
He thinks it’s cause of me that people treated me like some toy
He thinks I let them
Who or how like I only know 2 ends
The closest ones to me… my old friends
To let them is against my entire being
Believe half of what they say and not always what you seeing
Cold… nah… not that, I just couldn’t feel
J said you need all 3 - love lust and trust
I just need to know if it’s real
I’m not pathetic I never read shit
And I ain’t your hoe cause even she know if she fuck around she gonna go low
All I knew of the game was the direction
And said that’s it…
I mean shit…
Went for chords not affection
But now I don’t know where I went
I’m praying for a vampire or panther
Cause my real high school bestie now has cancer
And I’m just asking that you give us a chance sir
Cause I never said shit
Until free will and body was stolen then act like it was cause I didn’t quit
But I can prove it
And not even him trying to say shit
Ok… yes well a little bit
More than anyone else legit
I’d rather die then let them for sure
There’s 2 sides that sleep me
And i still don’t know which is which or who were
One make me real sick and one I don’t even notice
Then shit got too thick but tell me… what’s their bonus
Why? They do it for free
Or do they do it for money?
Because nah for facts I still don’t know this
How does anyone expect me to be less?
WHY?
Yes, I swear and I tried to prove it
But if I ain’t in the game I’m not protected and they block and refuse to move shit
I told him… yo why isn’t just cause they held me down (for you)
I was never trick and usually always had a steady man too
Why its not real does he refuse to tell me what’s true
All im trying to say if you were me?
Just imagine if it was you
And what would you do!
I pray for the best then they all try to prove me wrong
Idk but I care cause every where I go I don’t belong
But I know I’m strong
I swear to god I never knew and didn’t remember
Don’t ask me cause I was never there
But yup… I never had the chance to feel the rain that November
And then they try to tell me that I shouldn’t even care
To let it go
Like hell fucking no
What would you do and I swear I was never fucking aware
I’m hurt because every last one did it too
I’m the ONLY ONE that doesn’t know what’s true
And I don’t know what to do… even if I did they won’t let me 2

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She gonna get lit*

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Cause she showed everybody who would even listen and probably did it on purpose

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Not as weak as you thought I was… huh bitch?

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They don’t get the truth… they get whatever they fed me

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Probably shouldn’t have gone cause I was already sick but as soon as they were helping us when they let did it again.

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I hate that in front of people

I was chilling in the crib one day
When 5 birds came and chased me away
I guess in a way, you can say
A lil birdy told me
That he was about to scold me
What I do? I was just keeping it real
Is it cause I realized in utter famine and thirst one will steal?
My neighbor couldn’t even give me a free glass of water
And of all that brought to me this new world order
A world that opened up and turned on me
Fuck what they in to, I wasn’t even trying to see
Ran out the door and was knocked down the stairs
Trying to keep cool on the block ignoring their stares
Then hell opened up and it turned into an inferno
Felt the heat penetrate my skin
To the point of desinigration
Turned the corner saw kids playing in the yard
So I gave up and said fuck it for them I am scarred
No sense of watching an innocent suffer, not given a chance
So look this white girl in the face and tell me it’s my last dance
Felt the smack, from my own father, an attack
And now, I am not even trying to make up for where I lack
Instead I turned around and said ok
If this is the way you wanna play
Instinct took over, I hardly had to think
I stared hard at the bitch recording me as I sipped my drink
Number one… thall shall not murder? … Ok
You really wanna play?
Off to the mall and around the block
I chose my weapon – hardly a glock
Drove to the scene
Yet somehow my heart still found a way to intervene
Eye to eye I fear no man
But what was said was so real, I began to understand
Looking back, all my memories flashed before me
Like that time dude slipped me a micky
It didn’t click until coming out of surgery that day
That when I woke I didn’t realized I was touched as I lay
Once a victim, the pattern is constant, I can name 3
3 motherfucking times I begged a motherfucker not to penetrate me
Trying hard to convince my body not to lock, it just makes it hurt more
So off to that other world my mind started to soar
I continued to look back on my life, my footprints in the sand
When I see my own I was carried? Now that shit I can’t fucking stand
Friends that I’d give my life for turned their backs and closed their doors
Laughing at the demons who picked me back up yet forgetting all yours
Shit got ill penning in my notebook
Codes that were written left me visibly shook
Abandoned by almost every one
I lived for nothing and then I was done

I was propositioned, I saw it my only way out
At this point I was a suicidal bitch without a doubt
Eventually, I learned how to deal with the real
My heart beats heavy some nights, just to remind me I still feel
I don’t know why I forgave my father yet again
But just when I was out, I heard the slaves cry --- so I jumped back in
Leave those who saved me?
Never, then what example or lesson would I be?
Now you wanna trick me?
Give orders out just to be a dick B?
My own brethren turn around and beat me?
All because this bitch wanna defeat me?
I tried to tell myself the humilitation of it all made me a better person
But feeling so fake and so weak, and still to get fucked over, that’s when it hurts then
But don’t they know… the reaper my best friend
I cloak up and ride just to make the offer with him
I ain’t afraid to lose my head to the sword
He even send me reminders, felt the roll, and what redemption my reward?

So I studied, stayed real, and conversated with ghosts and the best of them
Traced like over 1000 confessions, them begging me to justify them
I see it --- I see almost every angle
You no longer have me nor have that carrot to dangle
Pac said a flower grows in the concrete and showed me a pic
I even heard one grow in a dark room in a lyric by Kendrick
We never run in the city we come from
But I refuse to let these weak ass motherfuckers make me look dumb
Do you know my drills?
You think I let go just for the thrills?
I let go to remind them, any day, any time
And that isn’t just over my God given talent to rhyme
You can’t judge me for looking back to the times when I was most happy
Why would I betray the brotherhood that spawned me?
I want my position back
I think I’ve earned where I lack
Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have an ounce of hate in my heart
But don’t you dare question when, where, how, or why I called this war to start
And to my one, my burner in the bushes… I don’t know who what or where you are
But you’re MY God, and when I hit this shit out of the park for you I pray it go far.

I don’t know what they did or said that my baby daddy stopped protecting me but I also feel like it’s being resolved

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Nah the 3 pops I felt? I thought were my kids being thrown down by heaven but now I’m pretty sure the people who hired them killed them too

Why would I go to the people that are fucking with my head and using my phone to do it too

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I don’t want to be with anybody

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Now it feels like my bf turned on me too

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I don’t feel good already I’m just gonna rest

Idk who but they get to everyone who tries to help me or be my friend

I hate who ever keeps trying to marry me and can’t wait to speak to my bd too… brb

I think I can kill with my bare hands right now… my bank card missing and someone put $10 in my bra and my bf won’t tell me who touched and looked at me and did that

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I lost my arm card and couldn’t take a shot to calm down either…

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Which freak shot think I’m there shooter? I’m gonna watch anger management tonight

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And listen to pac… it’s the worst when I can’t even trust him OR my baby daddy and they’re doing it on purpose!!!!

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I told him be careful they fucking with free will and he STILL don’t care… yo he was an angel like PLEASE no matter what don’t let them do that to him

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https://youtu.be/wuw6Xu9ZARU?si=9v4EVMEj3JUgB3Rg

My baby daddy know money don’t phase me and that’s why he WAS mad

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In mental I had that nightmare and my dad dead too… I’m trying to save my baby daddy too

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They after yoU too

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Nah bh id get confused if we tried to go to the city

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Nah I’m so mad if it clicked then we might’ve had a chance… my uncle T had a studio

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And already told me anytime

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All my nips are missing and one in my pocket… I’m not gonna lie or disrespect E but yes I am and yes I’m a woman

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My bf can’t deal with that and won’t even TRY it to understand why I got so cold

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Baby daddy… I have none left… can you be my common sense and make them stop tapping and touching me?

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I was fine until my phone started to fuck with me and realized it wasn’t just you it was them

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I was losing time again

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Yo I was 13 when this psych became obsessed with me… how gross would you feel?

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You think I’m gonna go to the old twisted play opera and confuse at ibm type man you crazier then me

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Maybe I was so cold and not in love asshole cause you was in jail… who being selfish

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I’m good fuck you too I’m just gonna write

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Back to Fred and my brother

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They refuse to let me up or out until I give them the answer they want
… WHO can’t understand that why I rather die then to have people looking at and touching me without me even knowing or being able to defend myself

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Anybody that raped me after myrtle beach die… god promised and said so

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Talking about he TI… bitch I was too! It just didn’t click that the daughter was mine

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https://youtu.be/zrpZ9opIpm8?si=pzRwfQ2-jVITrMSZ

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And that’s why I glitched on the song.,, just like how I got sick when they were talking about Juno at work

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My baby daddy prolly became so high when he didn’t even know they brainwashed me and I didn’t remember for real

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You fuckd with his head too

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And I did wrong… he never was that into me but that’s not what it was about

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Yeah I’m a girl… and they took away my strap that my brother left me cause I almost shoved it down this biitches throat… like don’t let them do me like that for real

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Just I lost my entire family don’t let them feed me anger

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They prolly put me with him for the who am I and that’s not fair either

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God over everything… family over everything how I feel

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Aaron died of od

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And in my heart I felt they slipped him something

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When she was all over his mother trying to hug her and shit

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I don’t want to be in psych no more… can I be on probatio. Instead?

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Jk but

I don’t know if I can get better baby daddy… is there anybody that been thru torture before?

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https://youtu.be/apK2jCrfnsk?si=YbME68WdsxLD14_8

I’m a sprit jumper nor a people jumper

I’m swaying trying my hardest to stay out of mental coming to terms with brain damage just promise me they will never get my body or brain for science and I’m good

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It’s one thing for my parents to trust you at 18 but I’m 45 now and they going to know the truth either way

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When I was 13

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https://youtu.be/iT6vqeL-ysI?si=fG8NLnJVHqwUXl7i

To be honest it made me smile and laugh… can’t wait until it’s you auntie

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I’m so tired… why am I going thru this again?

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The more I trust him the worse it get

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Sick as fuck right now…

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Tired of my worst nightmares but what else is new

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I’m tired of making excuses for people for it to be ok and I’m even more sorry for being crazy now when I didn’t even have to

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Like I really didn’t mean to put it out there and I really can’t stand feeling like this or in their

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I just want to get better and feel peace and comfort in my own body again

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I’m not a wolf I never wil be that’s why it’s impossible to make me submit

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But you did manage to ruin my entire life

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I rather get drunk and just type but I have a quit date in mind and so fucking tired of this right now

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I’m not adapting I never will and I just can’t do this Lord… they beat me down and tied me

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Why cause you mad at my daddy for something?

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Lord I promise you.. they got what they fed me too and what I thought and not what really happened

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Court i promise you

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Every song I want to hear. The liquor I want to drink miracously not there… I hate you bitch freak idc how much of the delusional world you painting me when my mom has to pay my bills but you pay for all that instead

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The difference between me and my father is I’m not afraid to die but scared cause they’re starting to torture me again

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If he could do that to me… he really not mine huh?

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I love and trust ma cause his mom sway like me and I could actually sleep in house and like he felt like home just not mine…

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That’s why I texted him

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Mostly I’m talking to pac and my baby dad

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I’m scared

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Asshole took the liquor and left me feeling icky and like this in my own body but he did drive me to the store… which did this to me and why?

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Be traded too and I’m just waiting on someone to tell me and split the money while busing them black mailers too

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Because I don’t want to get caught up in the pretense and need to known what’s real

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I’m brain damaged now and hasn’t had common sense in a minute

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The most from tv is bothering me so what am I supposed to do sit here and sway and think

This god damn bitch so arrogant and she refuse to leave me or my body alone and no one not even god OR justice will make her

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I refuse to live my life hallucinating it’s not my god or family make K leave me alone… I don’t want to share my body with them and their religion

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Never took one and don’t want to

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The noise from the tv* so get them out of my body and away from I despise them

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Want to play changes by pac to fix my mood and it’s not in my library

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Why are they allowed to fuck with my head?

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https://youtu.be/xg3J5slvB-k?si=hI2knXWbqao2Nhiu

They refuse to stop fucking with me and my head and I’m fighting to the death to be my real me in my real religion and be able to talk to my real baby dad for once

They have no rite to make me there case study for all to see and still torture me

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Was I the one that one to listen to “free” by freeway or cause some psych trying to get the violent side of me out

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Why do I want to listen to free* for LEAVE MY BODY THE FUCK ALONE - you’re not my god

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Why do I want to listen to free* for LEAVE MY BODY THE FUCK ALONE - you’re not my god

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I love the song free but I know they sparking my temper and one side back

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Show them pics of us and ask your crew which one was the one you tackled shackled ans dropped all night

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It just feels like they’re in our world and have no rite to dictate or change it. And it makes me that they can do all that and keep me sick and down and pay for all that but not give me and my mom money

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They didn’t just abuse me… they tortured me and refused to stop and now it’s happening all over again

It was a Spanish lady recording the first time

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Just telling my bd cause I feel like he finally here

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What I wrote back to in I’m the man

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I thought it would be different cause he’s finally here now but no just a stupid dumb all bitch over again

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Pay them? Pay me!

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If I have to be miserable to write I don’t want to either

Twisted freak opera loving mother fucker I WILL KILL YOU! How much time do I get if I do?

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What you was listing for me since 5th… I hope you get the needle for torture for real

https://youtu.be/YLtwqOk_t6M?si=rTwBWHYPAz4Q_5Rp