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Thread: Democratic Deception

  1. #1
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    Democratic Deception

    The statment of the World:

    Bar handles smashed over,the crossed rovers
    That blanked out love from Dynex mouses
    who covered the porch with incarnated wood stains
    'n brought aboard reigns of rain that doruted the plains
    with woodstocks caught in the action of cutting off
    supplies for the blending camoflauging toss of moss
    turning into gun shots compared to intoxicated
    drunks addicted to a self esteem used to prevent dated
    women to not get with em in die in there sleep
    from a knife of good on the ripples.....
    ..............................................that ripped death in deep
    (pause)
    Stopped actions that froze from ice ages
    that over coverd a place that stood on rages
    of fire that set sail on histarical comics
    ready to blur out a word that bubbled a tramic
    moment that owns it towed down frozen
    intoxication drank by tanks of bursting colons
    that reaches stages and phazes back into
    apendisides lingering on intros it behalf a welcome
    that told the devil to talk over grass blown red so hell comes
    to earth gives birth to jesus who breaths it
    'n turns back into a president.......
    ........................................who leaves it
    (pause)
    Fire struck a land with such force
    it brought over native forces to torch
    down a city with witty intelegence
    blood stains on the towers so we were relevant
    to the actions caused by the democratic deception
    that took place to cover up the mistake
    taken over a place with cut off supplies that breaks
    a new warehouse full of the drug 'n thugs
    pore in with words that drain out the air
    of greatness that Bush set in there
    for it was just for 4 years
    but he knew he was threw with the power
    that warzones 'n tinmezones missedfired....
    ...................................'n took him back a hour
    as nothing has changed besides the nuclear
    addiction to blood that blew up a building
    that towerd NY with the head of the government,aint kiddin
    but we all know its just been beheaded........
    ...............................................bef ore bush did it

    Democratic Deception-By Optical.Illusion
    Last edited by Optical.Illusion; June 13th, 2006 at 03:04 PM

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    Word...

  2. #2
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    Word...

  3. #3
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    upp

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    Word...

  4. #4
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    upp

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    Word...

  5. #5
    Los Milagros Stunee's Avatar
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    Nice, I like how towards the end of every verse it kinda got hotter, lol, kept me reading.

    that told the devil to talk over grass blown red so hell comes
    to earth gives birth to jesus who breaths it
    'n turns back into a president.......
    ........................................who leaves it
    Very witty, I think that was just sick with it. For some helpfull critism, I think you could have worked on the rhyme scheme more, although the story of the whole thing kept me alligned and following, so its not bad. The structure could use a little work, or maybe just word placement...

    I got a high ass fever right now, so sorry I can't really get more into it, good job though, I like it.

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  6. #6
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    lol thnx

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    Word...

  7. #7
    Soule
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    Dope.
    Huit up my om. I have a alias.

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! A.O.D's Avatar
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    Stopped actions that froze from ice ages
    that over coverd a place that stood on rages
    of fire that set sail on histarical comics
    ready to blur out a word that bubbled a tramic
    moment that owns it towed down frozen
    intoxication drank by tanks of bursting colons
    that reaches stages and phazes back into
    apendisides lingering on intros it behalf a welcome
    that told the devil to talk over grass blown red so hell comes
    to earth gives birth to jesus who breaths it
    'n turns back into a president.......
    ........................................who leaves it
    I really like this part the flow was excellent and the imagery was wonderful. The begining and ending of the story seemed a little choppy in places but it was a really good read. I like the concept you went with on this and everything else such as vocab was very consistent.


    -Late.
    I'm not back...I'm simply bored out of my mind.
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  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! da prophecy's Avatar
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    yeah this OM was hot.....hard to take your eyes off....keep it up

  10. #10
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    thnx the feed is much appreciated seriously,upp

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    Word...

  11. #11
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Way too choppy for my likes, and just too many awkward splashes of wording here. It read very juvinille in areas and then fored in others, well novice. I did think some of the concepts here were Ok, you just fialed to deliver solid imagery, and the content although deep, just didn;t come off as bright. Again, I think that was the awkward wording. Bith the ending and the intro could have had mroe attention. Overall you had the idea down, you just failed to hit its mark. Sorry, but there is much room for improvement here, as is I just can not get into this peice.

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  12. #12
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    thnx for feed upp

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    Word...

  13. #13
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    Word...

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