I'll Say No More.

[H2O']

I'll Say No More

Aside a mountain top. Big house or not. Tragedies roaming..
Where pain has progressed to death. My mansion is lonely..
Noise echo’s throughout the empty room. I’ll Say No More..
As darkness creeps below my feet. I close my chamber door..
A blatant roar up comes the stairs. I hear the stopples pounding..
My chamber door blows open. As constant wind surrounds me..
I lie on my mansion’s throne. Thinking back, my life was lies..
As I sit, my groan continues. I began to hear the lifeless cries.
No ordinary noise. Feeling dizzy. My vision blurred some more..
My life began to flash. As I know these screams Ive heard before..
I start hearing words some more. I go to close my chamber door..
Turning the lock as hard as possible. As blood escapes the floor..
Coming from beneath my chamber door..
.............................I speak, I’ll Say No More..

Every night, in my empty mansion. Lonely, I sit with my wealth..
As the dead knock down my hollow walls, I live by myself..
Theres no feeling I felt. Theres no way someone’s helping this..
I lie in front of my fireplace. Upon this haunted residence..
Heart having outstanding tenderness. Theres no help or hope..
Sitting alone upon my fireplace, I sip my rum and coke..
Terrified, on my quilted throne, I see shadows are floating..
I grab the arms, and hear a “creeeeep,” as the window was open..
Frantic noises continue to fright me. A screech, as if a claw..
Footsteps upon the hall, I hear a rattle along the wall..
Creeping open, not standing tall, I go to close my chamber door..
And then a “BOOM!“..As puddles of blood would take the floor..
Coming from beneath my chamber door..
............................I speak, I’ll Say No More..

Every night in my empty mansion, the noises creep my core..
I hear a screech, open my door. As a body hit the floor..
Lying there, lifelessly. My own self in a state of stunning..
As his back was turned to me, either my brother or cousin..
Hearing an ignorant humming, he was lying there dead..
As I noticed he was bleeding. I pull the dagger from his head..
As tears wanted to explore my cheeks. But why even bother?
As I put my arms around his neck. Noticing its my father..
Before I was a hundred bucks. Feeling now as if Im poor..
The tragic noises consume my breath. Feeling the horror..
This night, terrifying. Heart attack. No longer will I be bored..
As I take my fathers corpse. And gently lie it on the floor..
I go an close my chamber door..
........................I spoke, I’ll say no more..

......I'll Say No More......

-H2O'

[H2O']

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ut-356675.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nt-356477.html

Enjoy.

[Broly]

This was a really intresting read, i liked the idea
you went with and the way you grasped the concept
also the way you approached your topic, but i don't really
like the excessive use of " chamber door" but the way
you decided to write this piece you really couldn't
sway around it, so no harm in there, flow was pretty
good mostly throughout the whole piece, i just think it
could've been better, but thats just my opinion, the imagery
started off pretty strong and ended kind of not as strong
emotion was greatly measured into this piece, and IMO
couldn't have been any better for a writing like this, overall
though i'd have to say that this was a just a very nice
emotional read, and i've never seen any of your other work
but im guessing your an alias or something, and if your not
this was great, either way though keep writing.

[H2O']

Thanks for the feed fam.

[R. Foster]

Interesting topic.

The verses were well constructed; there was a decent rhyme scheme and multis. A lot of imagery packed in here, the start was definite more vivid that the later verses. Overall, a pretty good emotional joint here. Stay up.

Pz.

[H2O']

Thanks for the feed fam.
Leave a link i'll rtf.

[Jon]

I'll be straight up with you. This was alright at most, but I don't expect more from you at the moment. I sincerely think you can take this and learn from it. I was the exact same kind of writer, and hearing the same ole' same ole' compliments and things of that matter, it helps a lot more in the long run to hear critique. So, I'll start by saying this, your potential is at story telling at the moment. Read some of my older pieces and you'll see that you remind me of my past writings. What I found best for this is, write down how your story is going to be, exactly. Add detail, make this un-lyrical. Just write as if you were writing an essay or a non-lyrical story. That should help for the content. AS for the rhymescheme, it was average to be honest. You need to work on multi-syllable rhyming. It can really make your drop dynamic and it gets thumbs up from readers.
Example
Evil was a seed when the dawn had came in
Turned to a weed cause they poorly placed it,
But strength showed it was more than basic
And became a tree when the morning faded.

Those are simple examples, try that just in cyphers and stuff for a while, and lay low. Think of this as 'personal training'. And as you advance, you'll start doing them before the end of the line. I'm not there yet, I can't do them inside the line yet without forcing them.

The most important thing about writing is, make it heartfelt and DON'T what ever you do, force it. If you force it it ruins the flow, the content, and it just makes it harder to read.

One way to make your flow better is count your syllables, you should have anywhere from 7 - 10 in a line, try to make them all within that range. Usually structure will help you out, but this is the least of your worries.. Just work on content and what not for now.

And for the piece, it was average, and your lucky I typed up this much considering I'm lazy. I just see you as being a well polished writer in a year or so, don't give up on it, and keep writing. Hopefully soon you'll be dropping HoF's on a regular basis. Keep it up, I expect to see more from you.

And hit up my new piece, "Evolution of Evil" its a Hence Forward Collaberation.

[H2O']

Thanks for the feed man, i appreciate it.
The syllables thing, yeah i learned that a while back.. And i use it for text. But sometimes i have trouble when it comes to a topical subject.

Thanks for the helpful tips though man, i'm going to really try writing the story before i actually make it lyrical next time.. And ill see what happens.

I'll rtf the favor in a little bit, i'm still trying to sober up. ha

[Man of Steel Man]

ok ill leave feed on this one...but if and only if you tell me you didnt take this idea from the Raven by Edgar Allen Poe...the use of chamber door and ill say no more remind me of the raven saying never more and the fact that he used chamber door a couple times as he was opening the poem.

[H2O']

Yeah , i watched the simpsons episode and it got me in the moooood.

[R. Foster]

RTF, bro. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-356821.html

[H2O']

I will, forsure.
up.