Asking for color
diamonds and hearts,
rainbows and dreams -
they all seem the same.
spades are ignored,
clubs are abandoned...
just playing my cards.
just a color?
or blurred emotions -
clearly, with eyes teary
closure is impossible
with your sole
still between my frame.
ever since you've been gone,
i don't want to be back...
not in black.
Last edited by Jon; March 22nd, 2010 at 05:04 PM
Artificial.Intelligence
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diamonds and hearts,
rainbows and dreams -
they all seem the same.
spades are ignored,
clubs are abbandoned...
just playing my cards.
I liked these lines, I like the play on like hearts-spades-clubs, like a deck of cards and like how the cards have different colors. there was good wordplay and imagery in this stanza. it was structured well and you said alot with a few words. Theres an art to the short poem. you seem to be one of the ones thats pretty good with it.
(lol at the extra 'b' in abandoned, I'd go in and edit that).
closure is impossible
with your sole
still between my frame.
umm....I didn't get these lines....not saying they don't make sense, I just didn't get them.
I agree with Cinizter ^^ Simple short poems are really hard to shove your whole story in there, but you did this really nicely. Short, simple, but still hits hard.
diamonds and hearts,
rainbows and dreams -
they all seem the same.
spades are ignored,
clubs are abbandoned...
just playing my cards.
Also agree that, that was an amazing opener, word play was nice man. Glad to see this structure in here every once in a while.
Nice post, keep it up.
K-
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the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.
i still havent found much closure in my friends death because everyone is always talking about it, reminding me about her, stuff like that.. its almost like she's still here.. idk more of a personal piece thanks thoughOriginally Posted by Cinizter
Artificial.Intelligence
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Did you mean soul or sole?
murder murder
both but refering to her soul/sole of foot blocking closure.
Artificial.Intelligence
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gotcha. very clever piece, a lot of layers.
murder murder
thank you
Artificial.Intelligence
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yupp..
Artificial.Intelligence
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