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Thread: His Tempest

  1. #1
    Em-UhTh-Double Guh-Ah MuhThugga's Avatar
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    His Tempest

    She said,
    “Hey, pretty baby
    You lookin’ so crazy.
    There some place you’d rather be?”

    He said,
    “Adrift in your ocean
    In my little rowboat as
    Your waves rock me to sleep.”

    Her arms were the tide,
    Providing a steady calm
    To the nervousness in his chest
    That she used as a pillow to rest her head upon
    They stared ahead. His eyes began to swell
    With the crimson waves, which rose with
    The poem that her kiss displayed.
    The seas grew violent
    She could see the tempest form
    On the horizon of his cloudy iris
    He tried to find protection in
    The ripples that waved along the face
    Of the moon’s reflection
    But it was her diamond eyes that cut
    Through the darkness of night
    Like satin harbor lights wrapped in
    A fragrant haze that kept this boy sane,
    His voyage maiden, and his haven safe.
    So, he staked a claim on the edge of existence
    Rowing between his hopes and dreams and
    His hellish visions. And with a hug and a kiss,
    He dodged the cyclone. He knew no other
    Port would ever feel like home.

    So, he just held her close
    She was his shelter – no –
    The cornerstone of his fortress he built
    To endure his personal storm off the
    Shores of New Orleans:
    This poet’s true inspiration.
    And though he wrote aggressively,
    He suffered from depression, see
    With thoughts suppressed, he
    Found it hard to accept that she
    Could see the message he
    Stowed in the hollows of his boat
    And that discrepancy is why his
    Bottle failed to float.
    So, he just held her close
    As she would let him know
    That he didn’t have to travel
    These seas alone, but when his
    Depression set in, he left her with
    Sentences that felt so cold, expressions
    Of stone. They grew disconnected
    From everything they’ve known.
    And at the height of his storm, her
    Eyes became worn, and the harbor lights
    He hoped would guide him through the night
    Faded in the haziness of his crazy mind.

    He said,
    “It just may be that
    I’m genuinely crazy, but
    Please don’t erase my
    Footprints from your shoreline.”

    She said,
    “I’m sorry, dear baby
    Though my heart is aching,
    I’m closing my harbor
    And waving you goodbye.”

    Then, he wrote,
    “There’s no Hollywood ending grounded in reality
    So, I’m saying ‘goodbye’ to a place I’ve never been
    Dashed hopes and smashed dreams are a thing of the past
    I’m leaving it all behind ‘fore I even arrive

    There’s no Hollywood ending grounded in reality
    So, I’m saying ‘goodbye’ to a place I’ve never been
    Dashed hopes and smashed dreams are a thing of the past
    I’m leaving you behind with my final goodbye.”

    And so he ventured back out
    Into those violent seas, disappearing
    Quietly into the onyx of the night
    Wondering how he’ll hide from
    The silent whims of the leviathans when
    He no longer sees the sonnet in her eyes.
    And the days turned to nights as
    He churned in his pain etching memories
    Of yesterday on a canvas of uncertainty
    He searched for the stars that promised
    Him a canopy to shroud him from the
    Clouds that were dowsed with insanity
    No such luck; no harbor in sight
    So he kindled the flame he
    Plucked from the sparkle in her eyes
    In hopes that the light would
    Guide him through the storm,
    But the seas grew rough and the
    Winds grew fierce in the very moment
    A whisper cradled a message
    Of another boat docking at her shore.

    He closed his eyes, surrounded by
    Thoughts of everything he lost:
    He remembered the tide –
    He remembered that steady calm he found
    In the gentle touch of her tender palm
    He remembered her eyes –
    Those satin harbor lights that once
    Protected him from the darkness of night
    Consumed by the storm, engulfed
    In his tragedy; he threw himself overboard
    And into the kraken’s reach.
    When he washed ashore, there
    Was no harbor in sight, ‘cause her head
    Was on his chest with that sparkle in her eyes.

    And she just held him close,
    And she just let him know
    That he didn’t have to travel
    These seas alone. So, the nights
    turned to days as they churned
    In her waves and she smiled
    When his tempest finally dissipated.



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  2. #2
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: His Tempest

    This won't be a long reply, because the poem is long, and I can't break down each part of it. I want to make a few suggestions firstly. I saw a few times where you'd have two adjacent lines beginning with the same word (was, and) and would suggest trying to find another linking word. I like repetition in some poems, but this wasn't really done for those reasons and it's just awkward reading the same word twice in a sentence. Stay away from romanticizing some phrases too (I'm guilty of this). Also, "crazy" and "baby" is a silly rhyme - you know this.
    The poem itself, I did like. I always find it interesting seeing how you develop rhyme schemes. You slant rhyme, internally, and develop this rhythm and you seem to play with it - sometimes cutting it short or drawing it on. I recognize the bridge or whatever it is from reading it before. I like how you structure the lines in the second stanza the most. There seems to be a relation to the 'look' of the stanza with regard to the change in plot. I also think the references to the harbor was a good image.
    Although this kind of metaphor/poem is nothing new, you wrote with purpose and there was genuine meaning behind the words. I'd like to see other recent work from you, so stick around for a bit. If you could check out my bullshit piece, I'd appreciate it.
    can I kick it?

  3. #3
    Em-UhTh-Double Guh-Ah MuhThugga's Avatar
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    Re: His Tempest

    Bump...

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