Week 8: Grim vs White-Winter [Grim wins]

[Cody Nash]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html

Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.

[GrimReapa™]

Checc

[White-Winter]

check

goodluck

[GrimReapa™]

i bet hes noshowing.:hosea2:



20/20


My vision perfect, but my insight wanders aimlessly
Blatantly ignoring truth, just accepting lies faithfully
Forcing me beyond a breaking point towards insanity
False feelings of vanity, suffering massive inhumanities
Treated as if I was an indentured servant, tortured daily
Suck in the past as others are moving forward bravely
My loss of sight staggers my thought process tremendously
No amenities reached, but hopefully I’ll reach one eventually
Electronic movements as I’m stuck with paper and pencils
I’m so vengeful& jealous, but this new world is so stressful
A blind side to technology destroying my minds eyes
Things stray awry, why? Because shots of eau de vie
Drunkenness stemmed from years of visual neglect
Nothing’s correct, mind disconnected unable to resurrect
Death in a sense of speaking, my intellect is shrinking
Seeking ongoing but nothing found, information leaking
Draining my smarts and dumbing down my reason
Steady minded thoughts not changing like the seasons
My vision is 20/20 but I might as well have been blind
I feel confined, in this lonely world of mine as I designed
Settling not moving forward with the times surrounding
I’m shrouded; it’s astounding how stupidity is abounding
It plentiful, afraid to move on, you could call me skeptical
I’m scared it seems unbearable,but going forward is truly sensible
65 years to the day my death occurred, and still I’m stuck
65 years to the day I was struck down I need a bit of luck
I can’t see the path; my vision is still blurry, just like the future
It because I’m living in a time that’s not mine, I’m just a viewer
The truth I’ve been ignoring is that I need to move forward
Ignorance is not ordered but I embrace it as if I’m bordered
I walk alone in the land of the souls, a horrible stroll
My own mind binds me in a strong impenetrable hold
Death is sweet to some, but to me in a never-ending struggle
And inner scuffle, never reaching the light at the end of the tunnel

[White-Winter]

Jewel thief


We live for commodities made by tiny particles
The same things that twist your mind in articles
Necessities are necessary yet our involvement abused
Water and earth diffused by pollution as its confused-
The intellectual thoughts of drifters- scientists to be precise
Think being wise is the best way forward but the damages don’t suffice
Our precious prizes presented to the populous like a sheaf
A brief moment can take away the prizes like a jewel thief

The innocence hiding under a wolf frightens the moon
The sound of anger and rage brightens up a room
These qualities are to be avoided for my one and only
I’m the sheep walking away from the sun as I remain lonely
Until a lost soul crossed my path...vengeance or trust?
Those were the questions asked like his thoughts covered in dust
His mumbled words made sense even though the tense-
Smile was hidden by a dense frown...that was his defence
To the misery endured, his future with me was assured
The mysterious personality had grew on me and matured
The great wall inside me crumbling away to his charm
A dangerous manoeuvre from myself as the greater harm
Left me uncovered, I was there for the taking
But he took a step back and laughed...’your life’s breaking!’
A thief does not take the prize with ease until their targets eyes
Are challenged with a sturdy fight as the glare in their faces die

[P. Mortuus]

Grim: That was interesting to a point, it was longer than it should have been and I think had you shortened it and been a little bit pickier with the lines you would have had more quality. There were some good lines like that viewer on and the ending was pretty orite. It just didn’t go anywhere.

WW: This was awkward for me....it just didn’t seem to have much polish to be honest man....I think you should have worked on it more...the idea didn’t translate from the author to the reader.....this piece left me confused in a negative way.

\/ Grim

[Etym]

Grim; I thought you tried too hard with the vocabulary...some lines and word placements/usage coming off redundant & surplus. The effort is appreciated though I guess...I'll agree with the dude before me about it lacking a real sense of progression, and/or completion, it was a kinda weird piece thinking about it, the idea he's a ghost isn't unfurled subtlety but whatcha gonna do...

...there were positives to it though, and most of it was ok if not better, but as I said earlier, I felt quite a bit of it was needless, had you cut those out and refined this to make something more succint, and maybe a lick more clever -- it woulda been markedly better...

...but still ok.

Winter; well, not sure on the significance/relevant of the title really, large parts were laced in a kinda confused ambiguity - and I mean that for the writer - the effect actuated on the reader them type lines isn't a positive one. You shared a common problem with your opponent in terms of -what I felt was - suplus/redundant lines & word usage, but to a lesser extent, granted.

I think there were moments where you hinted at something potentially conceptually (or even intellectually) appealing, but didn't feel those things coming even close to fruition. Bit of a headscratcher, not in a good way.

...taking all things into consideration;

v/Grim.

[Silk Sky]

Interesting battle...and writing about ghosts seems to be a theme this week lol (navage did too).

grim- I've always liked your structure, but I think what trips people up and makes them call you redundant...is your flowwwwwwwwwww. Granted, you have flow, but its very turtle like and therefore forces us to concentrate on individual words. A faster flow will help the reader with the big picture. The second issue with your verse is not so much your word choice, but the form...watch out for "ly" adverbs/adjectives....you've got like 8+ in just the first four bars. Nothing wrong with them, but even that can be seen as redundant and therefore less interesting. Overall, not a bad verse, though it could have used a more captivating ending.

WW- inconsistent is the word that comes to mind here....you've got some great wording like "thoughts covered in dust" and then some not so great wording like "from myself as the greater harm". Don't choose a phrase just because the last word in it rhymes...if it looks even slightly weird or random, then change it. The other aspect that I would call inconsistent here is your concept. You talk about pollution and humanity in third person. Then out of the blue, its you and a ghost from a first person perspective. If it was say, the ghost of the earth before it was ruined by humanity....now that would have been relevant and interesting, but imo this was just random. If 3 people don't get it, then the issue here is your connections- they lack clarity. Not your best work, but still some clever wording mixed in.

vote- Grim, for a more coherent piece.

[_Lyrics]

grim- I think silk is right when it comes to your flow, because you are definitely a dope writer but it feels like I need more from your pieces to keep my eyes concentrated on the rapping part of your verse. you dont necessarily need heaps of multis either, a couple of more internals would do your verse wonders. I can tell your taking your time on your wordchoices and it is showing in your content, the concept was sort of limited for me though, and it kind of migrated from the problems you'd see to death. I think if you mixed em up more thoughtfully in your verse and threw a couple more complex schemes in there this would've been some top shelf shit. I also appreciate that even though you thought your opponent might noshow you took the time out to write properly.

white- what is with you and unfinished pieces? well I liked the idea of this jewel being a metaphor for something else (which i wish i knew what). the beginnings started off stronger than your opponents and I honestly though you were going to take it somewhere dope. the second verse started off a bit random and didn't finish off clearly enough for me to decypher what it is this jewel had to do with either of these people. this had a lot more potential, but felt a lot less complete.

its a tough call here too, both are nice writers but i felt grim slightly took it with a more thought out approach
v/grim

[Texting So Hard]

v/ grim.

better overall verse. enjoyed reading it more. not much else to say.

[Cody Nash]

Grim takes it...