fallen star(s)

[English]

iridescent dripping essence
- i can taste the hues,
space: the view;

i apologize for looking straight through you.
sighs and skies, interspersed, shape an ancient tune
we reprise every time i seem to wait for news.

rhyme and reason, interchange, can't replace the two,
nascent dew. tear drops. unearth a picture - painted boon:
you were a drifter, star-gazer far greater than the sun of your
parts. laid in clouds, or beyond, while i gazed at shoes.

i'm grateful, too, if now only for the place we knew
where we could never evade the truth, despite
every tête-à-tête representing your face as new.

space: the view.
i can trace the few
little remnants of quintessence.

...

10 minutes. i can un-rhyme/rhymes less it's just almost ingrained. tell me this was gay and stuff.

1, 2

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION @English,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to. If you have already posted your links, disregard this notification.

[English]

stop that.

[Tool]

zis wuz gai.

[Moniker]

This was in 'Picture This'. When I first read I knew I saw it somewhere else. Anyway, just letting you know I read it and will digest to shit out some feed later on.

[Oxymoron]

iridescent dripping essence
- i can taste the hues,
space: the view;

I love this bit hah. Eating colours. Mind bending.

you were a drifter, star-gazer far greater than the sun of your
parts. laid in clouds, or beyond, while i gazed at shoes.

I also liked this bit, but it kinda fell off with you just mentioned shoes. Kinda felt like that shoe ending was a bit underwhelming. I like the wording up till gazed. I see the boon rhyme.

i'm grateful, too, if now only for the place we knew
where we could never evade the truth, despite
every tête-à-tête representing your face as new.

I liked this verse the most, in terms of the overall message and way it flows.

space: the view.
i can trace the few
little remnants of quintessence

.

I also like the carry on from the start bit. those bits are cool to me.

Overall, i was liking the rhymes but the overall message wasnt that strong to me, started out pretty awesome though. With some editing on some underwhelming wording and add in a little stronger imagry n id like this more.. but not bad. I think you are talking to yourself in this piece. I do like the concept, just could be worked on more.

[Wordz AhGod.]

this was gay and stuff.

[English]

Kinda felt like that shoe ending was a bit underwhelming. I like the wording up till gazed.

Fair. Its meaning was dual, here's one: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoegazing - didn't rhyme just to rhyme. Also, imagery was scant as (i wanted it that way or) it was written to an image:



not sure if that helps?! appreciate the feed, nignog.

this was gay and stuff.

you watch your fucking mouth.

[Laureate]

I enjoyed this. It was like a complex bed time story. I felt like you were digesting
the picture and then interpreting it into it's basic form.
I was fine with the rhyming, thought it worked well.

i apologize for looking straight through you.
sighs and skies, interspersed, shape an ancient tune
we reprise every time i seem to wait for news.

I connected most with this part and it was probably my favorite section. It gave me
a real feeling of being small and almost insignificant.
As far as improvements, I think length maybe thought I don't feel it's necessary. The
lack of capitalization bugs me at the beginning of sentences but again it's a minor thing
with this poem. Maybe even a good thing hmm, it does go along with my feeling of being
small compared to the infinite universe. Good Work.