The struggle

[Skybones]

I'm walking a thin line dangling from despair / melancholy like the somber notes that ring in my ears/ each 1 of my fears /I'm bringing them near /y I embrace them/ to the point where there so potent /that I can taste em/ y chase em ?seems they come to me walking/ salutations in hushed tones still they come to me talking/ unavoidable like death when poison consumed/ I been ill since I was poised in the womb/ infected/ festering/ wound/ like Ma birthed the boy in tomb/ cursed to move in this cruel earth where doom lurk/ still I throw /the the jabs like javelins/ frame tatterd from pain hammered in/calamity Jane/ manners, matter when/ the hammers spin. Shell casings/ heavy rain and scattered wins got me back drug dabbling/ acting up in the atmosphere im Anakin/ keeping it real amongst the manaquins in the struggle wit savages cause for all intents and purposes their intent is to damage us

[Emily]

I don't know why I feel compelled to restructure this,
maybe because of those little lines that slant to the side.
You must be a musician, I mean duh, it is a rap board,
but I've only noticed the music dudes use those little lines to
separate their lines. I hope you don't mind me re working it just
so I can check what's going on with your flow.
It's a bit fucking rude of me so I hope you won't take offense.

I'm walking a thin line, dangling from dispair Niiiice opener.
melancholy like the somber notes that ring in my ears
each one of my fears, I'm bringing them near
Why I embrace them, to the point where they're so potent
that I can taste 'em, why chase 'em? I really like this line...'I can taste 'em, why chase 'em?' that's clever wordplay
Seems they come to me walking, salutations in hushed tones Nice wording, also the next line too. 'Still they come to me talking' I don't know, I really like all that.
Still, they come to me talking. Unavoidable like death when poison consumed
I been ill since I was poised in the womb, infected, festering, wound
like Ma birthed the boy in tomb, cursed to move in this cruel earth where doom lurk I like the internal rhymes.
I feel there's something off word wise regarding 'doom lurk'. I don't know if it's because it doesn't say 'doom lurkS'
or if it's just those two words. I think it's those two words lol. I think I probably would have liked it better without the
word 'lurk' all together, and just having left the 'doom'. Not sure if that would make sense but you get where I'm going
with this lol.
still I throw, the jabs like javelins, frame tattered from pain hammered in, calamity Jane great imagery here.
manners, matter when, the hammers spin descriptions are good
Shell casings, heavy rain and scattered wins got me back drug dabbling You know, I like the realistic nature.
Those words...drug dabbling...they're cool words. They sound good together.
acting up in the atmosphere in Anakin, keeping it real amongst the manaquins in the struggle
wit savages cause for all intents and purposes
their intent is to damage us nice outro.

Ok, I firstly, welcome. I think you've got a lot of unique wording here, with some organic phrases that I enjoyed reading.
There was a bit of an issue with certain words, but you know, I'm being picky, picky, picky, like...why write the letter 'y' when you can actually write the word 'why'? I don't know, maybe its a phone thing lol. No biggie. Also that lurk without the s on the end to me, doesn't fit at all, something about those two together makes me want them to divorce.
The structure didn't put me off as much as those little lines did. All I did was put commas where you have the lines.
I started a new sentence now and again as well, you know, dropping it down onto the next line helps visually, the reader, to know where your breaths are. In saying all that bs, it's a free world and I'm all for free fall structure. If this is the way you write, keep doing you and screw what anyone of us might think. This could be your style and who am I to change it? But if its not, stretch it out a little more than what you've got here. Just a little more.
You might have a few though who might not come in here and re write it like I did (ugh, I feel bad) but talk about the structure and how it's not actually helping the piece by looking like one great big mass of words. To me, if a piece has deep flow, regardless of the structure, I should hear it, I should still hear the flow. But hey, what do I know? I only know what I like, and I like what you've written. I think you're got a lot of potential and I'd love to read more of your work. And for the record, I can hear the flow, and I can hear it even louder when it's read faster, I can hear the beat.
Thanks for dropping this.
Good stuff.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

[Skybones]

Thanks for the the the critiques . in the case of doom lurk the s was meant to be on lurks . as far as the structure it was meant to show the flow , but I suppose your right it should be clear. i appreciate you taking the time to read my work and in glad you enjoyed it