thinking and driving

[Jukon]

you probably think this
is about you.

it is.

I gave you roses
yet you gave me thorns.
I helped piece you together
when you were left torn.
and now, I'm thinking and driving
fighting with the curbs
wishing they'd win.
following the wagon too close
flirting with falling off
just to be myself again.

it is
still about you.

every letter, every message
falls into the fire
burning each of your words.
they echo in my ears
as they turn into embers;
and rise to the sky.
it's evident, they never mattered.
and neither did i.

you probably think this
is about you.

not anymore.

you are gone
with the wind.
and your hair waved goodbye.
it's all i ever wanted,
now i can live
my life.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Really nice piece here... You don't have all those medals for nothing.

Firstly, I really liked the title... "Thinking and Driving" obviously a play on Drinking and driving from a hurting, love-drunk driver. It's clever, I like it.

It's common to go for a drive when emotions get the best of us... the change of scenery, the powerful feeling of commanding such a dangerous machine gives us a feeling of control when we've lost that in our day to day life. What you've got here is a poem of loss, acceptance and moving on - set in the contemporary modern arena of the car. I like the story, it resonates with me on a personal level - Minus wishing the curbs would win... I've never had it that bad.

The whole piece is very well written, minus (in my opinion) the "I have you roses/you gave me thorns" line... It's so cliché that it hurts me. "Piecing together/left torn" isn't so bad but I think a writer of your caliber could have come up with something more original. I wonder if you used it just to keep the rhyme going. Maybe you used these phrases on purpose to allow your reader to easily relate to the common theme of being betrayed by a loved one - Either way, I personally didn't like these two lines - i'm sure others will feel otherwise.

I liked the repetition of the "it's about you/still about you/not anymore" the little sections breaking up each stanza really shows the journey of the speaker from pained lover to renewed man - finally getting over his loss. It also signifies the physical journey of the car. It's a really nice feature.

The rest of the piece and the wording is pretty much perfect. The small complaint I had doesn't really take from the piece as a whole. It's a great drop, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[Jukon]

Appreciate it @Ctrl Alt Elite It's actually two scrapped poems I had and just put them together cause I was tired of having them lol. In hindsight I probably should have spent more time on meshing it together better. And I am often guilty of cliche's, lol

Appreciate the feed, I will rtf soon.

[Emily]

you probably think this
is about you.

it is.
What a great way to start a piece. Your first line reminds me of that song...umm...'you probably think this song is about you, don't you? lol.
Anyway, that intro is inviting.

I gave you roses
yet you gave me thorns. Sad. But these two lines feel a bit 'meh' standard, everyday-ish. Not unique enough for your calibre of writing.
I helped piece you together
when you were left torn. were you the one who tore her? lol. jk. I don't mind these two lines, but, we're riding a bit on the ordinary still,
for what I'm normally used to you from you, which is anything but ordinary.
and now, I'm thinking and driving
fighting with the curbs Here we go. I like it. Thinking and driving is a realistic take on it, and yet it fits more imagery than that. And fighting with the curbs is nice. That brings a whole stack of pictures in mind.
wishing they'd win. Top line. That made a big huge 'THUMP' when it hit me. Brilliant.
following the wagon too close I like the insight.
flirting with falling off flirting is a good word to use here. It doesn't belong at all and yet....it does.
just to be myself again. Nice Jukon.

it is
still about you. My favourite bit. I love it. And the pace is absolutely golden.

every letter, every message
falls into the fire
burning each of your words.
they echo in my ears
as they turn into embers;
and rise to the sky. Ok. Your descriptions are good. Giving us a lot to work with. Showing us a lot of you.
it's evident, they never mattered.
and neither did i. Wow. I don't know what to say. Full on. This person is either down beat, or she really doesn't care.
I can't work out which one. There's a 'fine, fuck it' tone to this, which I can hear amplified.

you probably think this
is about you. I can't say enough about these drop down bars. I love them.

not anymore.

you are gone
with the wind.
and your hair waved goodbye.
it's all i ever wanted, All you ever wanted? That bit confuses me a little. You wanted her gone? I guess you did, so you can live your life your way.
Interesting spin.
now i can live
my life. Right.

Not sure what to say about this piece. Sometimes a piece will really hit home and this one did, for the wrong reasons, which makes it right, if you know what I mean. It's all quite weird this love situation. All quite extra ordinary. You did well to draw the mixed emotions, the way you tried to help her, the way she didn't appreciate it, the way you let her words burn to ashes, the way you let her go.

I like it.

Nice read Jukon.
You bring pain to life and love falls into a nasty second place.
And that, is absurd and yet, compelling to read.
I think I hate myself lol.

Thank you.