A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

@Candy yeah it was a good movie… I’m watching weeds on freevee but keep losing my place

Big… idk why I’m always so mad at you but I can’t do this without you

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So like I wasn’t the one that did anything wrong but my life deferred cause of him? That’s why it never worked with anyone else and why I never had the 3 kids I swore I was gonna have?

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And when I asked god why I couldn’t make love and like that and like that is everyone even fucking kidding me right now? And I’m.supposed to say ok and forgive it? When he feeding me half a line every other day cause he with his new bitch that stayed with him and I’m just sitting here like this… ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

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And all I can do is play pac and Adele cause even my baby daddy an asshole too

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I’m supposed to say now I know? With my ONE life and my dreams gone?

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Or am I supposed to be this stupid Cinderella bitch just marry anyone cause factors seem to make my dreams come true… my dreams are over baby… I wanted a family

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Fell out the car saying me? Shoe? … just to keep me awake though

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Sometimes I play that ish on repeat

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Bullets to my nuts didn’t make my balls fatter it made me even madder

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And I could’ve still had kids I remember the dr telling me and like

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I couldn’t even protect myself how was I supposed to protect them?

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And now you telling me this?

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It sucks to be good at something bad until I was good at something good too

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Big I know I’m all about pac but I can’t do this without you either

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The psychic pulled to soulmate card

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How am I supposed to forgive him for going to jail 25 years? I can’t… I don’t think I can

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I’m not the one that fucked up but I’m the one that suffered

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And now I look like some thot bish that didn’t stay too?!!!!?!!! Like….

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We were teen agers… he grew up in there

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That’s why? Are you even kidding me right now?

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In the next reading they made it look like I’m the one you ie he can’t trust

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So what was all that cheering and jeering? All the moments I missed but got back any way to remind me? Like what was that? And that and finally a motive that makes sense and like nah it wasn’t like that for real either… I

[Candy]

i loved weeds ive watched so many series and episodes that its the type of show you can just relax and watch even fall asleep to

[A Disciple]

I don’t miss him I miss my sponsor

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@Candy what cracks me up about weeds is the bends and the loops like so bad and so different between seasons you’re not even sure you are watching the same show

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Nah I just want my sponsor back… he can go be with his girl

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I got my ex I got magic I’m a be fine…

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This the one I want back… or it was all under him? I know he blood… like what now my sponsor either on the strength of him too?

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Just tell me who I said nothing to fucking my ex that night

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I don’t want love anymore I want MONEY

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Or is that why I’m the thot bitch that don’t deserve it?

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He may have been the one to serve 25 years but in return babies was my entire life and not having them more and like all those times having sex staring at the ceiling KNOWING it wasn’t love and like… what? He deserve a medal letting me do my thing though?

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I married f in vioux in 95 and nah I didn’t remember him prior but he had key facts and I can see him trying to tell me more too… like when he said “I did it” after he played that song

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And the lists… a couple of my boyfriends made me write a list who I slept with and stuff like that

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And my ex who I lived with a year and never tried to hit it raw until he moved out and we broke up. He smacked me… and we broke up soon after… the one that put the down payment on my suv.. a huge one

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The one I said nothing to my sponsor with having sex too

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Who talks to my soul?

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Honestly… I’m about to tell him I need time to think cause it’s not ok and it will never be ok again cause it’s too late now

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I’ll never have babies now and I don’t want someone else’s

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“If he taught me better than you than why I fell asleep”? My baby dad wasn’t that into me and I loved him to death… but knowing I deserve someone that loved me too or like always fed into that is why I fell asleep…

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Because a man doesn’t have me choosing males it worse now?

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Yeah… I relapsed and drank tonight

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I have to work tomorrow but know I can’t sleep

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I always had a 10 and was at best a 7… I get it now I think

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How do I go back to my old zone legal? I remember having sex at my exes house and saying nothing but I don’t know who I was talking to and everything was ok back then and I was safe… you know?

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I’m just trying to find who I was talking to

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And getting my ass kicked these past 9 years about the same exact time he been with his girl like you? And you? And you dropped me for real? Was it him? Like… was I talking to him or I was talking to who?

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I’m hurt beyond comprehension and he can never make up no babies to me

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I’m not going to lie though there is something inside who loves him beyond explanation… I even wanna say it sometimes… and the sex to die for too. But I think I’m a leave again…

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Another song that took my soul like I don’t wanna know did



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I’m not sure what went wrong but I have a feeling ever since I told you I lied about my age

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Dancing toe at the centre to ducking bullets 2 years later… who would’ve thought? I miss the slow mo M… I miss the fun… I miss the money… I miss walking like before I woke up! Sometimes I wish he never woke me up and sometimes I hate him for it cause I think he just did to be mean…

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I heard one word in his lyrics and slammed on my brakes on a divided highway…

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“Do you idiots listen to music or do you just skim thru it” BOTH but mostly I heard every word

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So now that cla919 has explained “miss rosy Perez” you can call a spade what it is… idk about them ariticles you read but I’m grown now… all that my boyfriend of like 10 years and for shopping money - he loved it too and it’s why he “wifed” me… but I fucked up when I fucked his cousin cause he just told me who my ex took to Florida that weekend and why he won’t be back until Monday… I fall into that mad fuck his friend shit a lot back then… My game grown up now too though

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Per your own words “you were better off not looking at all”

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I see the relation to spoon and I love him to death though… but on the pretense to that to there to that? … you know I’m not stupid too… but I’ll run thru a nyc apt for you any day to counteract that venom. If only I knew how… cause like Hollins didn’t lift until everyone but us was out the car and my dad died too so I’m 0-3 right now. Why?

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He touched my leg and woke me up a split second… I got spoons back too

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It sucks to be good at something bad but after ced I was so literally dead and it breathed life into me again… until I realized how good I was at being an EA. And then came that decision “went by the fork in that road and went straight” for real for real

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I used to stop at the gas station and get devil dogs and funions before I went home to my diary “renegade” on multiple levels especially considering I’m a lefty

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But I am female… and that’s what no one expected I think

[A Disciple]

So I went out last night and stayed up… tried to nap it didn’t work (I feel haunted like icky people are in my body literally when I try to sleep a lot. But anyways no sleep and work - this should be fun!

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People who have traumatized me*

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Or that I just don’t like… but it feels like living people and that’s what is wack about it too…

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Ok… I’ll try for real this time XoX

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If I gain 2lbs it’s over and I’m going back…

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Drinking is kicked already… I only had 1 glass last night

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Alright at 2lbs I put the weed down too but 5lbs I’m going back to my original

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Nah that’s not gonna work out… idk what to think… it’s gonna be a minute but he doesn’t have the time for me to make him my all… I’m gonna tell him I’m going to still date as well as I know he do too… as he should. I get stuck in a spin so easy though… you know?

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Just as easy in as out… I love that song �� I changed my mind… I don’t love you no more (Keisha cole) actually her entire cd surprised me cause it was like the first R&B I could relate to

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Besides Mary J… that’s just a given

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Actually ced did get on his knees outside when all the clubs got out and I forgave him…

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Nah I knew when we moved into Hillcroft we were never gonna get married but that’s my boy boy beyond everything I thought cause even when we weren’t together we were still cool (even though it was rare and we mostly were). I was down south and I found out he was living with his girlfriend… “my face was stone shocked word back home” Jay z

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That’s why I wrote it… it was me and ced

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Song Cry
YouTube Video:
Click here to view on youtube

THE REALEST SONG EVER TO ME, I HAD TO FIX IT, AFTER I FULLY UNDERSTOOD!

I think back to the time when we first met…
I remember every moment, I can never forget.
We fell in love that night, laying, staring at the sky
Who ever thought me and you would be the ones to say goodbye.
And at the time with all the things I was going through…
You just stole my diary, stole my heart, and made me part of you.
You introduced me to a life that helped me to find a way…
And from that moment on - every day for you I would pray.
Every struggle I felt, every hit I took with you,
But now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes the pain would take me to my knees…
I’d just look back up to the sky crying and begging the Lord please.
With you, I’d always compete.
I’d ask - you’d say no - I find it my way - then repeat.
It seems like we were so damn happy when we were building
But not everything that glitters is gold, it’s just gilding.

hook

In the beginning, all the girls, I really and truly didn’t care.
Because those bitches didn’t have shit on us, and of that, I was well aware.
But then it, they, them, it all became too much…
I became jaded and my emotions became out of touch.
I have never been as much of a soldier, as I been, when it came to me and you…
With you by my side, there wasn’t a god damn drill I couldn’t get through.
I’d give my life for you, for this game, but it wasn’t ever returned…
How many times were you all gonna sit back and watch as I got burned?
Well now I’ve learned…
Even to this day, sometimes I forget who I am, without you…
But I know it’s not reciprocated so what was a girl supposed to do.
I sould, with every memory scorched and scarred on my back
Clear minded I planned a style of attack

hook

At first I called you when I saw them outside; I needed help, now I need to know why
You left me with the decision get robbed, go to jail, or die.
I chose to do the laundry because at least the decision was mine.
But I can’t believe of all people YOU were the one to put me on that line.
Round two, no more me and you, I thought I found a love that was true
I jumped all in, put the dice on the table, with the strength to be willing and able
Game day came, same circumstances,
Knowing there were no more second chances
This time I stood firm with the eyes in back of me
Cause a promise is kept with a breath that was taken from me
But I am not going to sit here and cry. Not one more fucking tear…
Cause with me and you gone, I swear to fucking god I have not left one more fucking fear.

They say once a good girls gone bad she is gone forever… I say never, just a bad girl wishing she could be good now just fall back and respect like you should.

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I was really sick mentally and physically when me and ced broke up and I realized it was a never.

[A Disciple]

I felt that

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The beat beat it’s in your heart… but who on the other side cause my entire life I just assumed it was god

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Until I was being abused and I know my god wouldn’t do that to me… especially for no reason

[A Disciple]

Right on time for Times Square too…

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Nah just like sitting there and watching confused… waiting… learning patience and like to trust in zones where impossible happen so like how I’m supposed to trust a god that did that to me and put me thru all that?

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Nah just like sitting there and watching confused… waiting… learning patience and like to trust in zones where impossible happen so like how I’m supposed to trust a god that did that to me and put me thru all that?

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I need coffee brb

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Ow..: that’s crazy how I really feel you though - so what’s up with this over here then too? I’m confused as fuck but we vibe… more so than not

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When I think of you? Idk… I don’t want to ever be that stupid pathetic bitch again though… that depends on who you are how I act and I’m not sure I want to get caught up in some ole just flip anywhere cliche

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Well… if you’re not happy for me there is a problem! And if I’m doing something wrong to worry or upset you then find a way to tell me that too

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But giving bitches permission that they never had to begin with that will enable them to just hit me again????? You out your damn mind if you think I’m a do that!

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Not even for you…

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Ok a song that I think of when I think of you…

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Cause all that other personal to me and I don’t wanna talk about it yet or like this to you especially when addressing them. Yo it’s real fucked up though… can I even trust you?

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The relation… the call where she said that… so I rolled my eyes and did to… the cones… I don’t want anything or anyone getting in the way of my focus and on days off it feel like it almost could type like it’s an element I don’t really want to shut completely out unlesss I have to

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Post You're the Man.... (NAS)
You’re Da Man!!!
YouTube Video:
Click here to view on youtube

I was chilling in the crib one day
When 5 birds came and chased me away
I guess in a way, you can say
A lil birdy told me
That he was about to scold me
What I do? I was just keeping it real
Is it cause I realized in utter famine and thirst one will steal?
My neighbor couldn’t even give me a free glass of water
And of all that brought to me this new world order
A world that opened up and turned on me
Fuck what they in to, I wasn’t even trying to see
Ran out the door and was knocked down the stairs
Trying to keep cool on the block ignoring their stares
Then hell opened up and it turned into an inferno
Felt the heat penetrate my skin
To the point of desinigration
Turned the corner saw kids playing in the yard
So I gave up and said fuck it for them I am scarred
No sense of watching an innocent suffer, not given a chance
So look this white girl in the face and tell me it’s my last dance
Felt the smack, from my own father, an attack
And now, I am not even trying to make up for where I lack
Instead I turned around and said ok
If this is the way you wanna play
Instinct took over, I hardly had to think
I stared hard at the bitch recording me as I sipped my drink
Number one… thall shall not murder? … Ok
You really wanna play?
Off to the mall and around the block
I chose my weapon – hardly a glock
Drove to the scene
Yet somehow my heart still found a way to intervene
Eye to eye I fear no man
But what was said was so real, I began to understand
Looking back, all my memories flashed before me
Like that time dude slipped me a micky
It didn’t click until coming out of surgery that day
That when I woke I didn’t realized I was touched as I lay
Once a victim, the pattern is constant, I can name 3
3 motherfucking times I begged a motherfucker not to penetrate me
Trying hard to convince my body not to lock, it just makes it hurt more
So off to that other world my mind started to soar
I continued to look back on my life, my footprints in the sand
When I see my own I was carried? Now that shit I can’t fucking stand
Friends that I’d give my life for turned their backs and closed their doors
Laughing at the demons who picked me back up yet forgetting all yours
Shit got ill penning in my notebook
Codes that were written left me visibly shook
Abandoned by almost every one
I lived for nothing and then I was done

I was propositioned, I saw it my only way out
At this point I was a suicidal bitch without a doubt
Eventually, I learned how to deal with the real
My heart beats heavy some nights, just to remind me I still feel
I don’t know why I forgave my father yet again
But just when I was out, I heard the slaves cry --- so I jumped back in
Leave those who saved me?
Never, then what example or lesson would I be?
Now you wanna trick me?
Give orders out just to be a dick B?
My own brethren turn around and beat me?
All because this bitch wanna defeat me?
I tried to tell myself the humilitation of it all made me a better person
But feeling so fake and so weak, and still to get fucked over, that’s when it hurts then
But don’t they know… the reaper my best friend
I cloak up and ride just to make the offer with him
I ain’t afraid to lose my head to the sword
He even send me reminders, felt the roll, and what redemption my reward?

So I studied, stayed real, and conversated with ghosts and the best of them
Traced like over 1000 confessions, them begging me to justify them
I see it --- I see almost every angle
You no longer have me nor have that carrot to dangle
Pac said a flower grows in the concrete and showed me a pic
I even heard one grow in a dark room in a lyric by Kendrick
We never run in the city we come from
But I refuse to let these weak ass motherfuckers make me look dumb
Do you know my drills?
You think I let go just for the thrills?
I let go to remind them, any day, any time
And that isn’t just over my God given talent to rhyme
You can’t judge me for looking back to the times when I was most happy
Why would I betray the brotherhood that spawned me?
I want my position back
I think I’ve earned where I lack
Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have an ounce of hate in my heart
But don’t you dare question when, where, how, or why I called this war to start
And to my one, my burner in the bushes… I don’t know who what or where you are
But you’re MY God, and when I hit this shit out of the park for you I pray it go far.

[A Disciple]

Like my heart aches right now for real and I don’t understand why or what they’re upset over or even who it really is

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I don’t believe in that order… if things are meant to be it shouldn’t hurt anybody close to you or who you love in my opinion

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Tap to the knee and all that shit and it’s annoying as fuck to be honest - especially when they using that to torture

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One snap of abuse I can’t stand… don’t use physical pain to talk to me or try to tell me what to do…

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Maybe I’ll try to sleep… work tomorrow

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And don’t bother me when I’m at work either… 10am - 2pm ET get off me please! I got confused today for no reason again typing die to myself…

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If I have to deal with a zone that disrespects me they gonna learn to respect me, my body, and my personal boundaries! And if they still refuse to… no go!!!! I don’t even need or want them!!!!!

[A Disciple]

Idk he just glitched the fuck out and had like 10-20 charges at once getting away from that one to causing that one to get away do that or this and he was OBVIOUSLY in too deep and over his head and drowning and we were teen agers at that too like… he didn’t go to trial 22 was the lowest offer and he didn’t even murder anybody (close or worse aint better) and I’m not making excuses but we were teenagers and he grew up in there and grew up for real and came out smart as hell and militant as all fuck… the only thing I’m scared of is him going back cause he’s used to it and it might be easier than out here in a way. But he’s better than me at being a productive citizen and yelled at me when I had a nip and wanted to drive. It was just too long and I don’t understand why they are extra mean and hard on him

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No… I didn’t stay… cause I’ve stayed before… and I didn’t hold him down I put that on our other boy that didn’t either when he told me he would and like… I never claimed not to be that bitch and I get it but you not going to get me for where I was coming from. I WANTED CHILDREN

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And every night when I’m in this bed alone I have to deal with that choice… I get it

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And he let me… I get it and he let me and I’m grateful for that too! I had a good life… it just never worked with anyone else and now I’m starting to realize why too…

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If I knew prior would it have been different? OH HELL YEAH

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And maybe that’s why too…

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Like one of my all time favorite songs…

[A Disciple]

It’s kinda cute he has to go for his license test again and he not used to driving…

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I actually should and am gonna teach him… I’m thorough driving it was my life for a minute there!

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“Look that white girl in the face and tell her it’s her last dance” LOL pac cracks me up but pretty much a true story - you can’t tell me Pac doesn’t hate the drug game or at least he always kicked me up out of it if I ever tried going back…

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That was a slick line though Rick Ross… you don’t even realize how slick it really was lol

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Save the last dance was one of the scariest movies I ever saw… I used to be a ballerina until my parents got divorced my mom got cancer and we moved to the hood

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I can tell you all about that bridge though… we got lost… everyone used their money to re-up and we hit a toll with no cash the attendant told us to pull over to the side and wait for the police to write us a ticket. We were fully loaded and I realized why we went to the city at that point and I was just like if they come in on us I’m jumping… I ain’t going to jail!!! My mom got the toll bill a couple weeks later like wtf… not as much as a wtf when the Nolley paskwa something got sent to us saying the police tried to pursue some type pf charges on me but the judge denied it. I think it was when c got jumped and saw the guy a few weeks later and grabbed a bat… oh boy holds up a baby in front of him to go to his car to get away from him. We saw his car at the police station and so we went to press charges on him like he started… the cop wanted to search my car for the bat but we already threw it out so I said ok to the search warrant. I forgot my book bag was back in the trunk with a pound in it… so the cop opens my trunk and picks up the book bag and I told him a bat wouldn’t fit in there… he was PISSED and I’m pretty sure those were the charges that got dropped when they sent that letter

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Sorry robbed not jumped* but they mased him as soon as he open the door so that why I say that

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I’ll never speak bad of my dead father but my mom was a candy girl house wife and when she left she got nothing but her car for YEARS until the divorce was over YEARS later. Then she got $1200 a month per her and kid )

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That was supposed to be a smiley face

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Good… my dad deserved it but she went back to work and eventually college anyway and made HER OWN money too

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My mom like my idol… not some ditzy pretty woman

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That’s my mom and dad and me in my avatar now so you can see…

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And the way she run and decorate a house!!!! My childhood was kinda different… at the point I was with my bd my house was pretty much like that movie traffic and I despised drugs for the longest

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I’m very protective of my mom… always have been. That’s why I used to go ballistic when I’d catch them bitches driving by my house

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My mom understood and supported me and c and those decisions and knew I was involved with selling weed…. CAUSE I DIDNT DO DRUGS that’s why she allowed it - my brother and sister were both addicts for a minute and me and my moms would fight like which is worse and she finally said ok…

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I keep a lot from my mom INITIALLY but ALWAYS tell her the truth after when I know the coast is clear or like bad place is over and she doesn’t have to worry. She feels responsible for my mental cause she did trust and let me do anything pretty much. I keep telling her that’s not what made me sick and remind her when I was in in patient at 13 but that’s just her heart

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I know I am… but my mom threw my dna kit away and I’m going to respect that…

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I had the best parents anyone could even ask for anyway!!!

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That’s why being a burden to her financially now too is bothering me so much… I HAVE to pay her back and get her back her house even if she never lives in it. She hasn’t lived in a house since my dad either. They too expensive up here…

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You know I don’t have ONE picture of my me and my moms old Acura integra?

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“Then I showed up in that dubbed out buggy” like Jay z said in that song. That song meant a lot to me and it’s jay zs fault I even went the route of financing that car for oh boy… nope… that didn’t work either.

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They don’t understand that ugly or pretty ugly then pretty route… and I used to tell my old best friend j who is beautiful that it’s the car they hitting on, not me lol

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C held me down though… I was lucky to have him!

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Bored… I think I broke my toe… nothing to do but write… you know? I don’t know the first thing about writing a book or setting a scene and my grammar is horrible any way so like l…

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You know I never noticed skipping English since 8th grade until like 2010 something… god gave me a tool and I need to learn how to use it for real

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Yeah like the set of the video to we up… I have a ghost that live with and check on me… it’s probably how I see or be involved with somethings in an awkward type of way… prolly to remind me “them bitches ain’t shit to me” but it still took me almost 4-5 more years to see truly see it

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It hurt for real… I loved them bitches but wouldn’t have had I known the facts and the rumors and the fake and the phony and like… who even does that for real?

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And remember Marky… in 2nd grade I learned this game called telephone - 5-10 kids sit in a line and the first one whispers a sentence to the 2nd then they whisper to the 3rd and so on down the line. The last person screams out the sentence and it is nothing hardly even close to the first person or the original sentence. I’m real surprised about what I’m assuming… but New York did have the best schools and that’s why I don’t gossip… #onetogrowon (not to be disrespectful!

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Like when pac asks if I even want a soul mate… idk… like I don’t wanna drag him in and hurt him either… I’m just like… idk like I end up hurting myself to save someone else’s feelings and that’s not right either. And I change my mind A LOT! and I already am that bitch or look like that bitch to him… and I don’t know what I want I just hate sleeping alone during this zone and that problem not gonna be solved any time soon either - so part of me is like what’s the point. Or how I’m supposed to feel if he leave his girl someone I respect for holding him down when I couldn’t or wouldn’t. If I knew I would’ve and like

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It’s just all fucked up now…

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I hear him or see him or hear his tones in my voice sometimes

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Do you know how many times that man has literally saved my life?

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Yeah pac know that sometimes I think I’d even say fuck you and just chill and wait with him while we all deciding ) my teacher, my mentor, my angel… like pac everything to me since at least 97 I just didn’t realize it was real… like I had the dream of getting shot in the passenger seat or how I tried to walk out the hospital on a anaphylactic cause they were taking too long…

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Or understand what he meant when he says “this isn’t just me” and in the after I know I’m a see him… I better

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Nothing creepy like that on a romance side at all… more like kin - but what I respect about him most? He had PLENTY of reasons to let go or let me go and never did and is so dedicated he even spends his after to help and protect us!

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I just heard him…. “Im not switching for dollars”

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It prolly will take me like 3 more years to figure out how I feel or my say on that one too…

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The bath tub? All eyes… long story and like

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Just pac been everywhere even before he died and like M listen to if you’re still down… he probably my family cause he was there too

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I wore my bandana like that first type… in so much of his work he show me he’s my angel and advocate too

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I wish there was a way to prove it cause I’m tired of everyone dismissing shit cause I’m crazy

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I gained 4 lbs so this switch to weed not working for me… but I’m a smoke the rest that I have tonight

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Well hopefully if I get him caught up and change my mind… make it up to him with lots of money! That’s what I’m leaning forwards right now… I just need to do better than all them again to be honest too! … long story

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They always have so much to say and laugh about these days… you know?

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I know how to shut them up… but I can’t get there by myself

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NO… nobody is going to force me to sit in a zone getting disrespected by the people who already disrespected me. There’s nothing to discuss or resolve like BYE

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Leave me, my body, my soul, and my spirit the fuck alone

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BYE!!!

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That night… red room club… but you’re a wolf right?

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When the guy I was talking to at the bar respected and walked away and said I’m just a baby… he was like me I think but now I don’t even know that

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I can’t dismiss that either though… I had a strong vibe and I felt you for real and it was fun

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And then I flip like it was you though… aren’t you my tag though or is it vice?

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Someone talk directly to my soul too though and I don’t even hear the convo I just nod my head so…

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Tap… idk who that is but let’s just be real - how do I explain this

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When someone demanded your body… you kill before you let another person do it again or die and I say either - get off me!!!!

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But that might be the dr I like if we can have a real conversation

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My heart… who is crying?

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That’s important too

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It has nothing to do with them… I don’t even think it was them that shot

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I have to respect and nah I don’t need to feel like anymore blood is in my hands and nah I didn’t shoot either… I don’t know how to

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Why I’ve been looking and feeling and looking and shifting so ugly lately?

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Pac can read and see this I’m sure

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That’s my other side… it’s either my babies or shadows

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Shadow… my only young one at 9 I think now… she gonna get a license to take over when I get sick like a POA she almost there and in training - she so brolic she cracks me up though.like the song shadow boxing or pac boxing shadows and like yeah I’m not the only one that sees shadows or weird shit.

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Ok so… why am I so alone with nobody respecting my choices or decisions spiritually or physically

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You cried, I start to bug, or did I just hit some game trap?

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Guys… guys this is why… like there is nothing about this shit that is a game or should be treated as such in my opinion

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Is that why you cried? And who cried cause like can they change and switch that too?

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Cause they done did some other shit with some mixed shit too…

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I can’t stand with or respect them bitches because we have different personalities and morals and motives and standards… why they above me though? I mean fuck that they had a secret circle but I feel like why this wasn’t resolved in 04

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And then the pause or the wait or around my shadows a lot… I’m not dismissing that over that for anybody! I have to figure out how to integrate it all and I can do that if they leave… you don’t want to make them leave then make them shut the fuck up and mind their own business

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I’ll have to write more about these issues that sound so much crazier to me

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Why they talk right to my soul and who?

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Like when I said nothing with I was sleeping with L that time… ran home cried and lied to someone about specifics but still want to make them understand how I felt

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I’m going to smoke brb

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I’m not worried… I got word he retired

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I keep feeling you but can’t even trust that now either… like is there a way to just get everyone off me a sec?

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I waited I’m sure he’s out of statutes too…

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I’m pretty sure a panther left me which is why I’ve been getting my ass kicked for what like 10 years straight now?

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Peace and comfort in my own fucking body and environment and that’s not dealing with spirits that think they can snort me like some pig… like who do I go to or deal with about that?

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My walk should be calm, and easy, and pretty… not glitched and being abused and disrespected

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Like some sucker for love bitch? Nah

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But why when I go for peace and comfort and laughing again I seem to feel you cry to be honest

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And it feels like you want something I’m dead against and I mean I am dead or rather die then to deal and feel like this with them. It’s like

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Painful? Excruciating especially on the mental. The moral? That’s why I’m so sure they not even my god though… like how do I explain this or the switch

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And I never took a hallucinogenic so I much rather be hopping porches running thru the woods you know? So like give me back my reality cause I ain’t even do shit to deserve to be disrespected like this

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That’s what is making me so mad. A man on my body demanding to be my god and trying to change it and me

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They really have to go cause they not the only god in town for real

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That’s crazy… I can just fall out and sleep a sec but it was mixed with after and like all these “physcial” gods taps and tingles really need to respect me and my body and they don’t

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That’s not my god, my family, my spirit circle or anyone to me ever again

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I’m about to try and sleep…

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Who I ever stalk a day in my life to deserve this for real?

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That one time woods thing was a joke!!!

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That one time woods thing was a joke!!! Just get me out of their fake shit… smells and hallucinate all fake like…

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Then I’ll dismiss you too 2… NO… and no one on this earth gonna make me! I want them away from me for real… I’ve been thru hell since 1997 no joke and…

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I appreciate they’re offer but I don’t like who I am or how I feel when they’re around and on me especially in the name of some man or god

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Or how I feel and look* … you want a preppy bitch I suggest you go find one

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I’m tired of hearing these bitches… I get it I get it I fucking get it now please get them off of and away from me please

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Let me go take off my make up or I never will and no Lord their god has no fucking right to do this to and demand from me

[A Disciple]

No… my toe said enough - they have to go!!!

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I’m not tolerating abuse on any level especially from their spirits

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I don’t like feeling ugly either… BYE

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N had a snapped nail like me too… pain mad pain and I don’t even wear fake nails she doesn’t either and yeah I believe in spirits and I believe they abuse

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My foot taps and tingles and water splashes… I’ll pick my own fucking team and comfort

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I’m a go try to sleep and talk to my MALE witch thank you

[Spoken]

Damn A... You been busy

[Candy]

i love your new avy

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i love that bleeding love song

[A Disciple]

@Spoken thank you!!! Working and working… writing the job I love though!!!!

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@Candy me too…

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@Candy when you have time will you turn one of my poems into a song? Hurt �� hYou can change and rearrange lyrics to fit or improve. Not now… just one day? Or send me a beat I can write to?

[Candy]

il have to try n find my mic or buy a new one i got an album full of paid beats - so send me the poem and ill look for a recording app and do it for you

[A Disciple]

@Candy yay you’re the bestest!!!