A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

I don’t know how to explain this... it can only be god but my god wouldn’t lie to me or force me a direction I don’t want to go. And like coming back home I guess it’s a life I have to readjust to. I just think with all the bad shit I didn’t deserve I don’t understand why any god would put me thru that or this or have anything like that to even punish me for. As the victim I’m just really confused.

[A Disciple]

Trying to get peace and comfort in my own body and not feeling like myself or sharing is really uncomfortable too.

[Candy]

I don’t know how to explain this... it can only be god but my god wouldn’t lie to me or force me a direction I don’t want to go. And like coming back home I guess it’s a life I have to readjust to. I just think with all the bad shit I didn’t deserve I don’t understand why any god would put me thru that or this or have anything like that to even punish me for. As the victim I’m just really confused.

in the bible god has lying spirits that lie to you about the word of god.. so could be that

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Trying to get peace and comfort in my own body and not feeling like myself or sharing is really uncomfortable too.

lol well take a hot bath or a shower that ish always calms me down..

[A Disciple]

It's even hard to get dressed these days... I'm so outside myself and nature it's unreal. ;o(

[A Disciple]

By Your Side Verse
Sade - By Your Side - Official - 2000 - YouTube


Who knows me so well before I fell
Or was it a sell?
I feel like they just told a lie and set me up
But damn I got adjusted and yeah the one that demand a prenup
I’m starting to think marriage is anything but conventional
A promise between us cause I didn’t even mention it all
And like… yeah I said love isn’t for everybody days before I was shot
Cause I was happy and breathing again in a rental playing 2 on and it was hot
Now I don’t know whether or not or even the order
Cause my polars are so extreme I know I’m more immature than my daughter
I’m a leave that line indented cause I’m the other side of that “sting”
But my ring? The one that had the stone missing and looked like the sun
That was the set that was my favorite one but I lost it and now I have none
Run… run and you done, or runaway cause hell not fun or you just remembered your son
(So you run back)
Now I don’t know about loyalty all in the sync but waking up on the brink of a miracle
But I can hold up that mirror too cause it’s anything but spiritual
By Your Side – getting kicked while I’m already down
I think of the expression – “tears of a clown”
Nah it wasn’t me… I didn’t get around.
“No Love Lost… None Found”

Reference: Sade "By Your Side"
Little Wayne and Eminem "No Love" ***

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Like the spiritual hits are hard enough... I really don't need the extra too.

[Candy]

It's even hard to get dressed these days... I'm so outside myself and nature it's unreal. ;o(

i went through that faze

just hang around the house.. even if all you do is scream and sleep atleast your doing what you feel like all day

[A Disciple]

Nah... it's not like that at all. My closest to a besty I have now says my emotions are physical - so yesterday I threw up like between 10-20 times but nothing came up. I call it gagging. In bed, trying to watch tv to get my mind off the shit while getting it "pulled" out or to a level where I didn't feel sick, tense, stress, and pain in my own body type shit. It was an exceptionally hard day... but today was much better so far.

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I get so tense that it hurts to even touch my skin some times... and other times I feel so gross if someone touches me I cringe. Mental illness and PTSD a bitch for real... I'm just trying to maintain and not turn into an addict or take on those tendencies now for real. It's why I stopped drinking too. THAT and my father drank himself to death LITERALLY.

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I owe this weeks mental and physcial hell to the creeper that thought it would be cute to remote control my computer again. Probably mad that I didn't feed into it and read the files he or she uploaded to my google drive.

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I'm not engaging, feeding into it, or harboring ANYTHING until I understand what the fuck is even going on. Stalikng has ALWAYS been a sickness that creeps me out. I mean one time me and my friend J hopped in the woods with her nephews spy equipment because our boyfriends lived on the same street. We didn't see shit and when we came out the woods my ex was leaning up against my car and I screamed. It was funny and a joke. I mean thats WAY different than a level like this and I still don't know who hurt me so like nah creeper... for real. Back up off me and come to my eye when I'm awake if you want some attention. And to be honest I don't even know if I can still throw this sick.

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Am I supposed to post my open mics here too or did I just misplace that verse?

[A Disciple]

Sex therapy tonight... made some break thrus but it’s impossible to have sex feeling like 10 different bitches... especially wack ones and like they’re literally dictating and demanding everything even my dreams are off again Like idgaf I been thru enough... it feel like some sick perve trying to keep my shit on tap or just refuse to understand we not a match. I’m getting my ass kicked every day and tired as fuck for real. And they jumping too... and sorry but I’m just going to say it!!! Until someone helps and makes it stop I just have to keep talking cause it’s been 8 years now.

[A Disciple]

Then you shaking my thigh dawg?

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I’ve told that one no at least 3x and he’s causing my nightmare being so fucking selfish still too!

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I keep hearing him thru him though... you can’t change me and my nature just cause you swear you got a bitch. I didn’t take you into my world to even begin with!!!

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Tired of them bitches kicking my ass demanding their way and my nightmare for real

[A Disciple]

Hurting me with pain isn’t going to change my mind either maggot... just leave me and my body the fuck alone!!!

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Degrading me in my own body... yeah that’s a man I’m gonna respect!!

[A Disciple]

My brother up early as fuck today... it makes me feel a little better but he’s still not getting a clear line either

[A Disciple]

Degrading me in my own body... yeah that’s a man I’m gonna respect!! My brother up mad early this Sunday... it’s Sunday right? And yeah he would kick my ass for getting fucked up but I didn’t drink... he probably swore to never get involved again after all that and obviously didn’t realize and was probably being lied to too...

[A Disciple]

Degrading me in my own body... yeah that’s a man I’m gonna respect!! My brother up mad early this Sunday... it’s Sunday right? And yeah he would kick my ass for getting fucked up but I didn’t drink... he probably swore to never get involved again after all that and obviously didn’t realize and was probably being lied to too...

[A Disciple]

But I’m not a beast so why would ANYBODY even try to alpha me?

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To even begin with...

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From the second I fucking wake up these bitches on me... my brother definitely wouldn’t have had her wake me up so like what’s the problem? Why these bitches even still here?

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It feels like she literally attached herself and her family to me and I don’t know how to get them off or away from me. And yeah I’m the crazy one that can’t maintain cause of...

[A Disciple]

Like... I’m going to fucking bed. I don’t understand how God is RIGHT HERE but I’m still getting hit...