A Disciple's Thread

[Candy]

[A Disciple]

He quoted me and posted something but the post been deleted… idk what he said and you obviously didn’t see it either @Emily

[Emily]

He quoted me and posted something but the post been deleted… idk what he said and you obviously didn’t see it either @Emily

Who quoted you Disciple?

[A Disciple]

@Emily that guy I had in the original but never mind

So like that guy I wrote that had 22 years? It’s weird as hell cause we got up today and initially I was so scared I brought a knife to be honest… but when we were sitting there talking I was literally exhaling at the same time. And i saw familiar eyes… but nah I don’t think he gonna talk or teach me ish either but maybe…

[A Disciple]

When I wrote this I just wrote investigating and not so sure of myself or cocky anymore…

They’re so selfish, like life is all about them… Dear M,

Even though I know this letter will never reach you
I just wanted to let you know you’ve been on my mind…
Not because of who you became and what I feel is due
Just to let you know the comfort in the memories that I still find in you,
Sitting here reminiscing of the days I wish I could rewind
Like playing football in the rain, But…
The echoes of laughter then, they now drive me insane
It dangles like a noose suffocating my brain

C

I know, and I get it… cause I seen it all before
Now that everyone can see the majesty that I saw so easily saw
You couldn’t decipher truth from a whore
The last time I saw you the elevation thru exhilaration as I witnessed your hesitation
Then after the love that we made you said no more
It stabbed me with a pain deeper than the 8 swords my tarot predicted
And ever since then my world became kind of shifted…
I want you to know that I don’t blame you,
I know you were preparing me for a lie you knew we couldn’t get thru

C … Do you hear me crying?

I wasn’t too young to understand it when but then came the next loop to the bend
The one to pick me up from the fall couldn’t face the order too tall
And the one who was truly true became victim of how evil these streets can do
As I witnessed the sentence served of 22
What? Am I supposed to watch the unpredictable of now and how he gonna end up just like you
Or just deal with the real of the reality set forth in realization of my own true? (it was always you)
As we rise and we fall we have roads set forth to beat
As I sit here fingering the outline of my scars again humbling myself to the defeat
And as my own story unfolds, I wish I stuck up for us then just to warn you
But all I could do was cry and spit lies just to scorn you
I know now you did what was best for me, but the test couldn’t invest in the rest I’d see

__________________________

And on a personal…

I never made love ever again,
It was more like we was in Cesar’s war and I became that opposite whore just trapping a friend
I’m scared now that my ice has melted and I’m not sure where this leaves me,
Just figured out I’d reach out to the one that always felt it and was 3 steps before what I could see
And… I pray this letter reaches you in time, it feels like years left of my own sentence
Yet they never told me my own crime as they whisper all in due time
I didn’t come here to remind you of the pain that you caused when you left me too
More like I finally remember what I blacked out and how now even though it’s harder than ever…
I’m always admiring and praying for you – What’s love got to do with it?
But you still can’t see what we all do so plainly – put down your guns and just realize who’s true
And maybe then you’ll see what real love in form of agape can do.

I hope I can help snap you back too…. I’ll always love you.

Sincerely… Me, C

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I was writing to my baby dad…

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But what I learned is he said they did that before Hollins died so it’s non related and probably the angel that saved me from most of it but like… then I look at you again… like nah…. Would you?

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He went to jail when he was like 18… he had to serve 2 extra years and we 44 now… praying he didn’t deserve it… them demons aired and maybe I can give him some of them years back… but if I knew how to do that my dad would still be here!

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He just text me and told me to apply to 4 jobs tonight… he has a girl… don’t wanna be in a situation to pull him… and like an ex con and a mentally sick woman don’t amount to much in life… even though he on my level and we both the stronger one is some situations… it’s sucks cause his body and height and stature just my type too… just I feel in my heart it can’t be right but we will see where the friendship goes… I feel bad cause I don’t know or trust him like that yet…

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And he’s honest… he just wanna have sex LoL

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I’m a chill… and think about it… and take this real slow though… but he was prolly the first one they put me on the mattress for. My old friends… just how? And how did they know? And like… was my baby dad involved? How did they know?

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I know ced stopped all that ish… I told him about the pic that guy had with my pants pulled down and that I’d never pull my pants down around him but that was definitely me in the pic and he laughed…

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I just want and need to know that it’s all finally over and I’m safe again… cause everytime I think I am again some shit like that pic happens or how I caught that std when I haven’t had unprotected sex in 8 years and didn’t break any condoms and such. Hopefully now that he’s back home - nobody gonna fuck with me again! But that’s my problem… always assuming the best of people and such so I need to prepare myself for either way… oh and like 20 different version of Hello and pac played the entire way home…

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Oh and at the end… after sincerely me, C - put in… AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS ME

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Waking up to all this and not you…

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Yes “get your ass in the trunk” … I just don’t know what to think right now AT ALL like…

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Ain’t nothing was fake about my lyrics… did I change my mind or point of view since? Prolly…

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Like who ever keeps coming in trying to detail shit making me feel sick and hiss and such like… we on a different level. Like I realize in an era that YOURE skilled at… how ever at the level IM skilled at… you know nothing about that life. It’s just not working for me!

[A Disciple]

I don’t want to and I refuse to adapt… They put me thru too much and refuse to stop and I don’t know how else to make them leave me and my body alone. NAH and when you leave too… be sure to take them with you first

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I’m sorry I just can’t… I refuse to live like this and I’ll never change my mind so do what you got to do

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Owwwww… and YOU LET THEM TOO

[Candy]

hello still love you xoxo

[Candy]

[Candy]

i love your avy xoxo

[A Disciple]

@Candy Shocked I never heard that Jay Z song... I have a love hate relationship with his music ever since I heard a verse and slammed on my breaks on a divided highway. But yeah... I owe Pac a lot and loyalty is all there TRUST

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So this guy, he said I could talk about him but no names. And he's definitely an important factor in this welcome to the jungle enigma - and I'm just trying to figure this all out without being a stupid bitch. Need advice... and don't have many friends to talk to about this and he fine as hell and a perfect for my type (stature, figure, militant and all) as well as his one liners be killing me like my pires do too and I laugh. So my bestie said just fuck him BUT... he was in 22-24 years for some get your ass in the trunk shit and got pulled over with them in the trunk... so I'm a little scared - I'm not gonna lie. My old friend said he raped somebody but I don't believe them cause he hated me writing him to ask why I thought he only got 5 years and he knows I despise sex offenders. So I think he said that to stop all that and it did stop all communication.

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Now he was honest and the first to fess up on this me on a mattress shit and when I called my old best friend to see what the fuck he was talking about - she laughed, said she was with her family, and hung up.

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So here I am all on my own and F since he said he touched base with you and most the guys I DO trust made me say ok to meet up with him and talk.

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He know a lot for being in over 20 years... and asked if I had an oral fettish which pissed me the fuck off cause you ain't giving head to 6 people and catching a rep like that unless it's a hater. So now if I ever do get a man he has a good reason to shoot them all cause I'm not doing it. I'm not giving nobody head like ever again now cause I'm traumatized.

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So he has a girl... that held him down 10 years and I don't wanna step in the way of that. Me being mental and him growing up in prison isn't exactly a power couple and like I can't help but feel it was an intentional switch on my baby dads part. If I even do have a baby dad PIRE. That's all cause now I'm pissed as all hell and don't want to talk right now.

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LoL... my dog being a bully barking his ass of outside right now... BRB

[A Disciple]

All this tapping or pain or switch shit and abusive shit like... I realized that nobody is going to tell me what's going on... it's something I have to figure out myself... and sometimes the story finds you. But I feel and am looking real stupid now and I'm tired. I'm not your bitch and especially not your pathetic bitch either. It could've been real easy to figure and resolve this all out but nah we running it this way cause the only one getting hit is me. Is that's what's up?

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IN MY OWN FUCKING HOMES with the only way they getting in is if I let them... nah mother fucker I hate you too right now.

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Nah... I was being stupid trusting it wasn't on you but to be honest... yeah we probably have a problem now. If I find out you could've stopped any of this at any time - WE DEFINITELY have a problem. Like I'm sorry did I do something to offend you or you was just side stepping the fat girl you knocked up?

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Get them bitches off me now - so that's it... they were blocking and deleting XM stations FOR YOU? I'm thinking they didn't want you to find out what they did to me but nah... it was on the strength of YOU? Is that's whats up?

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Let me find out you paid ANYONE to be with me and I'm going ballistic... why you just didn't pay me motherfucker?

[A Disciple]

Nah cause if that's what's up I'm with all your fuck boys just trying to find real so I can have a family... but instead you paying some debt on your soul thinking you doing us both right? Nah you SELFISH you're so fucking selfish just like the rest of them. I wanted a family... my dreams been over! And 8 more years of this cause I wouldn't let go of pire or let you get hit and like...

[A Disciple]

Until you get them bitches hopefully not your bitches off me… I have nothing left to but assume

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Nobody stopping it still… still being held hostage in my own body and like

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I don’t want to believe that you would do that to me or that, that is what it really all is about. This feminine bitch faggot still kissing my hands like we will EVER be on the same side and like

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Would you turn to the bitches who raped and sold you around? Cause not only will I die I will be tortured before I ever turn to or help them either. But yet after 8 more years of added torture my no evidentially means nothing and they don’t have to stop despite how many times I say no

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FUCK A WITCH

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Fuck pire!!! Isn’t that what you were screaming when I was in the torture cell in Nc? The one I ran right to, to fall into your plan cause they started hitting me driving thru New York too

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All I fucking have left is my real

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Just be sure you’re not in the path cause nah I’m not gonna drop you either even if you did know or if it was on the strength of you.

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They still begging in my own body and we don’t even have the same god

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This blurry vision now too like nah pac - I’m thinking I don’t get along with all your “family” or peoples too

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I feel ridiculous and too old for all this…

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Idk wtf I did to get an Angel like you… maybe on the strength of my baby daddy but like

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Cause I’m a woman and they see that and resent that… that’s usually how you can tell if someone is bi to be honest… the degrading off woman

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Like…

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That meme yo… it really is that shadow of doubt that you didn’t know

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My shit not even posting like what ever to all that too

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It’s not so much that you can’t tell if you’re dead or alive… it’s the disrespect and abuse like someone who just tapped me there knowing I’ve been abused like all hell

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The fact that anybody is on my body when at first I thought it was just you and my god

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Who think I want to fucking live like this?

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I don’t want to feel like them, I don’t want to live like them, I don’t want to and didn’t ask to switch shoes with them for a day and definitely not 8 years

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This is out of my zone and nature and I don’t like it and wouldn’t even live it for you dawg

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They not even pire though

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So that pic mean you have her back over mine?

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Cause you not protecting me either

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8 years of rubbing my fingers to mock us like we didn’t earn every penny we got

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Some dumb ass fight with people I never even met or the ones I did just trying to forget

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Hit… I’m hit… I’m down… and they not ever going to let me back up… why?

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Then they act like some fight of my life like it’s a positive thing when I’m not even like that. Like they truly don’t understand that we not raised like them and in fact raised to be everything against. I’m not competitive or spiteful or manipulative idc who win or lose and I don’t track points either

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I can’t stand a control freak or a diss and down a bitch to bring them to some level you think you can own her to either

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Drunk… my life a mess and everything is over and so publicly displayed and humiliated myself by my own being

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Nah YOU don’t understand… I lived with 4.5 guys but because they were busy pretending and even me knowing it’s not exactly the right situation and I wasted all my time and then to wake up and lose the last too?!?!? Nobody can ever make that up to me - and like if it really was on the strength of you? How could you be so fucking selfish? You have kids though!!!! You don’t understand… a drug dealer, someone who has no job, to as long as we get along maybe to I’ll just put your ass in a ditch and raise my own… but the sleep or hypnotism or what ever it does that blacks me out and causes me to be any bitch they want that’s where it was over… I can’t even protect myself how am I gonna protect them

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Call it… someone call it or put me to rest for real… I refuse to have ANYTHING to do with them bitches

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Some god that’s not even mine on my body too like

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I don’t know how else to explain that we not the same breed or caliber but like back up off me for real

[Candy]

[A Disciple]

@Candy that song hot… I was tripping again last night smh. Just confused as all hell in all this magic shit that I never even realized was real before and chalked it all up to mental illness…

I love Game… my life my favorite song and em I feel like almost most versus I can relate to too… like how I walked thru patiently waiting and such…

Who influenced you?