A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

I don’t wanna post if no one else is gonna…

🎤 no one was with me my first war… got many a signs that pointed me to outlaw… I still don’t really know how I got an Angel like pac for… but it reminds me what we once were… you weren’t that much into me… and that was plain to see… but if you wasn’t gonna be there and just play games maybe you should’ve let go of me, maybe you should’ve helped me see… maybe you should’ve believed less of the lies and more of what you seen. I mean you were just straight up mean. You didn’t even intervene. Just let me get my ass kicked cause you thought I deserved it, didn’t even do your homework and my voice not once you heard it, but yet that’s on your word - shit. And I got to curb it? And I got less for more nickel they ain’t earn one bit. But ok, let’s sit… me for her or him never happened, they played you like an instrument then chased me like a rabbit, while hiding their own habit, and yeah didn’t help not one quit. Legit. But I’m not gonna say that you aint shit… just fell victim due but wanna get mad at me cause I didn’t see their games too. If you don’t act like that you don’t think like that either. And I’m not into games and I’m not chosing neither. Why you even believed her? But look again it’s only me sitting here hurt saying never again. Never again will i trust a friend, never again will I depend or will I defend and never again will I send warning shots first… cause the only one looking out for me already in that hurse and for the curse? Well who know you started it, and who know who had a part in it… and who know what I don’t even care…. I just know who was and who wasn’t there and that’s where it’s hard to make a decision to the point I can’t even speak and just stare… maybe if I was made aware. And that’s where it’s not fair… all this shit behind my back all the people I never even met who attacked and I have to stay positive like the movement was mine. Nah… I just thought I was here to rhyme.

[A Disciple]

To: Lady in Red

You ever see a man with ice in his eyes
Yet so warm and inviting like the ice his disguise?
And when he walk it’s short and tight
But you wouldn’t know it’s cause he used to shackles though
But he got it perfected… right?
And when he try to show out - clumsy is the humble
But his return to grace from a slip is as slick like a hard return on a fumble
… I know I do it too
You ever found a man that’s just like you?
I can’t believe how he been gone for so long
But fit in so perfect like he always belonged

And he’s with me… but no he’s not all mine
But here’s 10 to say that maybe he will be over time

I love when he get so frustrated he cry
It reminds me why I promised him I’d never lie
And everyone staring nobody wanna push or ask
Yeah he 6’ 2 with an amazing back, chest , and ass
And the way he rock a hoodie - he still do it with class
I know, I know… I’m clear like glass
Asking myself again is love really finally here at last?
The cards seems to say so…
So I say we will make up for the past
When we are together it’s like nothing else matters in this world
And all I want to be his favorite girl
And I just want him to know you don’t always have to break the oyster to get to the pearl

And he’s with me… but no he’s not all mine
But here’s 10 to say that maybe he will be over time

“It’s just you and me… but I hardly know… this beauty by my side… I never will forget… the way you looked tonight”

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I’m throwing up drafts to perfect later - with copywrites and all I’m not throwing my beats up anymore

[A Disciple]

Over 15k hits… guys… am I ever gonna get an award under my name on here?

[InkD]

that was awesome, creative and clever, also smart. I liked the wordplay...

[InkD]

despite what people say about multisyllable rhyming, i think that would just make this rhyme sound worse, because if you were trying that it wouldn't sound or flow the same, honestly i think it would ruin the rhyme because you would be trying to be too complex and it wouldn't be the same... it would be a totally different story, so.... i think this was an awesome song how it is... this was rhymed well. cool shit.

[Jaser11]

The lyrics are good. Add more music to it.

https://petpawful.com/category/guides/

[A Disciple]

I wanted to write tonight 1) to be conductive after a fail and 2) to try to describe how it feels inside my body and why mental illness truly sucks because it’s so invisible to everyone else - especially when you been sick 20+ years and usually can handle most of the symptoms

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But how do I do that without giving my enemies the blue print on how to kick my ass and knock me down even harder

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I can not STAND when I don’t feel like myself… after vacation it’s been really hard to get back on my schedule and I have had to fight all week the dreads… the I don’t want to I have to’s (imagine everything you have to do not wanting to do down to even getting out of bed… but like Nike has the slogan “just do it” and it used to work but these days it truly isn’t enough I’ve lost the strength and motivation… and hanging by a string!

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(Btw I just literally scratched my own face by accident)

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But I refuse to address it…

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I didn’t go to school tonight and my bf is vexed

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I didn’t want to go to school last night either but forced myself. A classmate said to my teacher on the low that I was acting strange and I heard her… and yes I felt awkward and nervous being there. With my client I fumbled thru a hair cut and couldn’t get my groove back until about half way thru the blow dry. When I’m nervous and awkward like that I fidget and fumble and nobody wants to be looked at like the wack job

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Well as my bf gave me the speech and motivated me to go in… I opened the door and the memories of all my awkward moments at school and how I felt came flooding and I couldn’t breath a second and I just couldn’t sit there and have people talk or look at me funny again tonight

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I want to be 100 at school and my boyfriend is right… so if I feel off for an entire month am I gonna take an entire month off two

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I said no… but somewhere deep inside I started crying cause if I have to YES… BUT I WILL STILL FINISH EVEN IF THAT TAKES ME 6 YEARS TOO

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Crying hysterical right now praying for salvation… a cure… some understanding… and peace and comfort in my own body at all times again. I read self esteem and low self esteem comes from not achieving goals - exactly - so everytime I fuck up or get too sick to handle I try to do something positive or productive to make up for it. And also because my bf got mad at me for not going and doesn’t understand how impossible it really was to walk in tonight

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I’m not fighting as hard as I used to because I’ve been worn down over time… but every once in a while I get this fire to stand back up… and yo

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It’s not a pity party and I’m not feeling sorry for myself but my brother said the realest shit to me… he said he’s tired of watching me stand back up and burn it all down again. I’m not trying to and I’m not doing it on purpose though… there is NOTHING more I want and need in life more than stability and routine for real

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So to describe what it feels like in your own body… and that’s where I’m a feel stupid and awkward but let’s go… like your just some vehicle to ghosts, spirits, drs, and aliens… then add and your basic low life scum

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But I’ll get into that another day…

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PS my boss been checking every call I make literally for 2-3 weeks now… that pressure has manifested physically too and I think it’s why I’m so jittery

AND

My step dad left the main door open and my new puppy snuck out on my watch and I live off a main road. So I freaked out until I found him for like 10 minutes.

Yes… it takes that little to knock me out of commission the rest of the day. Mentally I’m exhausted and it’s probably why I lost my fight tonight to go to school despite how bad I mentally was feeling

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The fucked up part is I don’t feel better now being at home… I feel worse… cause I couldn’t do it. And hopefully that explains some of what it feels like to be mentally ill

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I don’t feel like scum… like my body some toy to low life scum*

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As I just blew myself a kiss… smmfh

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Not to ramble… but I was in private mental once and one of the guys there said they did an exorcism on him and I fell out laughing… cause he really did look like the image portrayed of Satan. Like me and my bf were talking about with him being locked up so long - to be honest or sucks but you still get your funny moments and good memories too

[A Disciple]

Them bitches? I used to joke and say at least a pill solve most my mental problems. Fuck them who even care anymore

[A Disciple]

Damn I wanted to belly dance again for a second

Am I traitor cause I’m east coast?

[YG]

Amazing

[A Disciple]

Dead Roses

Truth be told Teej maybe I was dead wrong
I don’t know why I’d zone clout and write it out to a sad song
But it was therapy all along
Just so gone just trying to find where I belong
Never expected that I’d be hung
Who say who to what and say who or what I sung
Nickel for 5 and I think I really got one
But dang to scared to find out if I’m just dumb
And they just in it cause they just won

I write better then I talk
So maybe I should stay mute like a monk when I walk
But I was given some advice today
Talk out loud again
But how do I know that’s just not instanity trying to drag me back in
I died on him a second tonight
I wasn’t even gonna fight
But for once it was the warmth he gave me that saved me
Not the curse of ice…
Now I need some advice

(Sleep… have work tomorrow)

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Witten to:

[A Disciple]

Thank you!

[A Disciple]

I’ll check it out…

[A Disciple]

Thanks!

[A Disciple]

When you see my head drop and shake the invisible noose off around my neck is when you know you’ve gone too far
Then to rather be dead I stop and take sides divisible and like that little star wonder what you really are
Once you see me shaking my head no you know
It takes days to recover…
Let me find out it’s just cause whose being dramatic and wanna put on a show or trying to be your new lover
It’s probably some bitch just playing undercover… thrown in to break us apart, leave, and then you never get another
That’s petty compared to what they really do… I can tell you or you can walk it too
Just let me know right now what you wanna do