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Thread: Christhmas

  1. #1
    AJ The Menace Echelon's Avatar
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    Christhmas

    White Winter

    Grins are shown ,they stay a glow, black footprints lie beneath white winter snow
    Past shadows vanish as our sin is stoned, fall ends, yet here rose our friend of hope
    He cleansed us when we consumed the menace, lit up our souls then fueled the essence
    Now snowflakes fall with our gloom, depression, alas a Christmas with a future present

    We’re grateful for our countless blessings, even when we refused to embrace your might
    Back when our faces resembled the grayest skies, because we couldn’t fight the pain inside
    Back when autumn leaves fell from the tallest trees, we were rotten seeds restrained from light
    Just Two brothers with a decaying frame of mind, souls pitch black, that couldn’t change to white

    Hawk eyes were on us day and night, for we did what we must to survive
    Stealing bread rations, taking tiny bites, a pair of thieves being parasites
    We hid in the dumpsters of dark alleys, trying to avoid police that roamed the streets
    Just Two miserable homeless teens, searching for the missing piece to their broken dream

    Life was looking bleak, autumn leaves fell along with our well being
    Lice ticked over our scalps with fleas, skin disease, our health had ceased
    Heavy breathing had you blacking out; we grasped each other’s hands to move through this journey strong
    But cries were heard for miles on that gloomy dawn, waking up, to see you were nearly gone

    We were just two scared kids with fear eating our carcass, not stopping till it’s leaving us heartless
    Each day that passed weakened our conscious, oxygen was like breathin' some toxins
    On this endless season of autumn, we sat beneath the trees, seen as forgotten
    A brown leaf fell to our feet, but we looked in despair as it began to darken…

    It seemed like all hope was lost, our sorrow was about to tie this rope a knot
    Till a white light appeared with a drawing glow, that lead us to a tree, with a broken cross
    We were hesitant to pick up the pieces, for the tree in front of us had all black leaves
    But we each took one half; those were the instincts of the grandest thieves

    The two pieces were drawn to each other, like they were attracted by the same white beam of light
    Each piece had a unfinished writing, but when put together, spelt “Jesus Christ”
    Right then, the white light reeled us in, saying that only faith will clear our sins
    We accepted him, Jesus, as our savior, friend, whom we swore to worship till the very end

    We were just two homeless brothers, but now were the sons of a greater being
    Our chests started to glow suddenly, as our black souls were whitened clean
    That day started a new beginning, the status of our old life withered
    All the black leaves fell from that tree, the change of a black autumn to a white winter

    I look into the vast distance; passed the skies blue colorful hues
    remembering how the hummingbird's chirp matched your wondrous' mood
    you were subtle with gloom; singing it to sleep with lovable tunes
    soothing any troubled creature that moved under the moon
    the flowers would bloom; every time it sensed your motion in presence
    your devotion to blessings captured rising oceans in essence
    you glowed with fluorescent fragrances that flourished your life
    time would stand still as your tranquil beauty allured in the night
    You were the source of delight; and I assured your leave wasn't in vain
    For your son is sustained; to shine his bright light on the coming of day
    Through perilous clouds summoning gray; I'll clear the thunder and rain
    illuminating all that plummet in pain: all when I hover above the terrain
    Watch my radiance seize the hand, and dispose of the dire deeds of man
    And from the trees and grass to the seas and sand; I promise there’ll be a peaceful land
    Once that need is grant; I hope you smile like the sweet sun you savored
    I’ll always remember you as my beloved creator; Mother Nature

  2. #2
    Yep, a duck w/an umbrella SecondRobert's Avatar
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    Re: Christhmas

    How the fuck are you typing the title with a lisp, B?
    My avatar is a duck holding an umbrella. You will not be able to refute this.

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Christhmas

    This was entertaining.
    Joyful words coming from heart.
    Creative storytelling.
    Rhymes Scheme.

  4. #4

    Re: Christhmas

    making a string of assumptions here, right off the bat...

    1-that this is AJ
    2-based on a skim, it appears he "tried" here...SO I will give some feedback here soon on my 3day weekend

    Hello LadyPoet, we meet again ice queen.
    @Echelon i'll be back here, likely within 4 days

  5. #5

    Re: Christhmas

    hopefully by end of weekend bud...
    If you're AJ i owe u a bit of real feed...

    keep it up man. keep "trying" K? I will if u do.

  6. #6
    BRB, Jumping Ship Baron Mynd's Avatar
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    Re: Christhmas

    It is AJ The Menace / Sinacog btw.

    WORD P e r f e c t !


    RESERVOIR GODS


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  7. #7

    Re: Christhmas

    Quote Originally Posted by Baron Mynd View Post
    It is AJ The Menace / Sinacog btw.
    Thanks Lars.
    Yes taking a break I suppose. Minus perhaps a shot of feed here and maybe squeeze one more OM drop on weekend - not sure. Shouldn’t but might. Anyway

    AJ, I’ve read it now.
    My initial instinct is same as it’s always been w u pretty much:
    You have a flare for really good/cool rhymes n phrases. Then you hiccup with a terribly trite or played-out phrase or rhyme and it hurts the good momentum you’ve built.
    That is a nitpick, and can go into detail with it this weekend.
    In general, this was good. Started real strong I though, but by the end to me was “merely” good/decent. Still, better than any amateur noob or someone who sucks.
    The positives are just as Lady Poet said, but the negatives I’ve mentioned here.
    I’m not religious but tried not to let my pessimism influence the developing story/ending.
    Thanks for dropping.
    There is an open challenge for you elsewhere to reply to my diss. You may ignore or respond when you wish.
    Take care.

  8. #8

    Re: Christhmas

    Was gonna do a good vs. evil (friendly vs. harsh breakdowns)
    But F' that...how about just a quick/simple 1-10 grading exercise on just the rhymes/phrazes...literally on the multis themselves and HOW I PERCEIVE THEM...Pharaoh's personal opinion, when he's not roasting your spam-ass...let's go:

    Quote Originally Posted by Echelon View Post
    White Winter

    Grins are shown ,they stay a glow, black footprints lie beneath white winter snow
    4.5, 4.5, 9.5...Weak opening 2 rhymes. Very strong close to shut me up.
    Past shadows vanish as our sin is stoned, fall ends, yet here rose our friend of hope
    NEGATIVE grade for "sin is stoned" AFTER a great phrase of "past shadows vanish"...followed by average@best closer.
    ARE YOU FUCKING TROLLING OR NOT
    LIKE AT THIS POINT YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ME..."Past shadows vanish"...that's writing. In what way is a sin ever stoned? Fuck off let's continue.

    He cleansed us when we consumed the menace, lit up our souls then fueled the essence
    Now snowflakes fall with our gloom, depression, alas a Christmas with a future present
    I am just having fun with you AJ. I truly find this to be quite a dope couplet to close the stanza! 9-9.5!

    We’re grateful for our countless blessings, even when we refused to embrace your might
    Good but not great...slightly cliche out of a holy book.
    OK it appears numerical 1-10 OR just a comment, and yes occasional harshness above^.

    Back when our faces resembled the grayest skies, because we couldn’t fight the pain inside
    I can't knock this. I enjoy the rhyme and I've never seen this exaxt wording.
    Back when autumn leaves fell from the tallest trees, we were rotten seeds restrained from light
    Just Two brothers with a decaying frame of mind, souls pitch black, that couldn’t change to white
    ehhh..motherfucking DOPE, you borderline troll...write like this all the time please?
    OTHER THAN the phrase "restrained from light"...ehh bit reachy for the rhyme but man this couplet grades high like your last stanza-closer...9-9.5 again!
    Autumn leaves/ tallest trees sounds "old"...but I've never seen it before! Splendid mr. @echelon

    Hawk eyes were on us day and night, for we did what we must to survive
    Stealing bread rations, taking tiny bites, a pair of thieves being parasites
    TEN OUT OF TEN AJ - FUCK all your other lack of efforts
    We hid in the dumpsters of dark alleys, trying to avoid police that roamed the streets
    Just Two miserable homeless teens, searching for the missing piece to their broken dream
    still good 9.5; dreams could be plural if u wanted...could be. singular's fine too
    Life was looking bleak, autumn leaves fell along with our well being
    Lice ticked over our scalps with fleas, skin disease, our health had ceased
    Still HOT 9.5
    Heavy breathing had you blacking out; we grasped each other’s hands to move through this journey strong
    But cries were heard for miles on that gloomy dawn, waking up, to see you were nearly gone
    No longer sizzling...I feel like you need some more (or less?) punctiation... by the end this bar is a bit too wordy...
    NOT bad but certainly not 9.5-10 fire as I've seen above.

    We were just two scared kids with fear eating our carcass, not stopping till it’s leaving us heartless
    Each day that passed weakened our conscious, oxygen was like breathin' some toxins
    The Multi is OK, phonetically fine... CONTENT: cliche-alert...you are reverting to your old self with some of these reachy terms and descriptions here....you're back to middle ground with a 5-6 area...6.5 would be really pushing it.
    On this endless season of autumn, we sat beneath the trees, seen as forgotten
    A brown leaf fell to our feet, but we looked in despair as it began to darken…
    Better...I don't have a problem here. Your closers have been strong I've noticed...i liked the final frase...
    ALTHO.,, WHERE EXACTLY IS THIS STORY GOING.
    Some repetition AJ?
    A bit of repetition just a bit....let's get somewhere shall we? With this.
    Oh god it's religious...I will try not to...mm..


    It seemed like all hope was lost, our sorrow was about to tie this rope a knot
    Till a white light appeared with a drawing glow, that lead us to a tree, with a broken cross
    We were hesitant to pick up the pieces, for the tree in front of us had all black leaves
    But we each took one half; those were the instincts of the grandest thieves
    first line metaphor tries to be clever but i don't love it
    2nd line here we get into a story at least...
    3rd line i really do like the black leaves description.....however based on your rhyme flares you could probably re-do that 3rd line with more impressive rhymes...ehh...maybe even switch the structure of the sentence (reverse it) throw in the term "blackened leaves"...n rhyme w that phraze... i donno..i'm riffing here AJ, that's where my mind goes
    4th line pretty terrible.. would any1 in real life ever say "instincts of the grandest thieves?" i donno maybe in the 1800s.


    The two pieces were drawn to each other, like they were attracted by the same white beam of light
    Each piece had a unfinished writing, but when put together, spelt “Jesus Christ”
    you EITHER force the rapper to execute the full "an" (make it work 'an-Un')...or you take it out entirely! and say "had unfinished writing"...I'd lean towards the latter<
    THE ONE THING YOU DON'T DO IS THE HALF-STAGE OF STICKING AN "A"
    IT'S "AN" OR "NOTHING", IMHO, preferably nothing.
    I am nothing and something.

    Right then, the white light reeled us in, saying that only faith will clear our sins
    We accepted him, Jesus, as our savior, friend, whom we swore to worship till the very end
    Atheist here but trulllly digging the closer, again AJ!!! The rhymes are clean, ugh..prettty fucking fire man 9-9.5 again
    Cliche? Yes a bit for sure, but it's a religious topical what else is he gonna say? I got no probs with most of your fire closers.

    We were just two homeless brothers, but now were the sons of a greater being
    "we're"...that typo is important bcuz it's a different word, essentially
    Our chests started to glow suddenly, as our black souls were whitened clean
    mmm the whites and lights are starting to pile up, like your old days...not terrible, but not fire like some of the closers. We are certainly back to average here at best.
    That day started a new beginning, the status of our old life withered
    All the black leaves fell from that tree, the change of a black autumn to a white winter
    Tremendously boring and predictable, but the execution is OK. Not fire...but not bad either.
    I feel like with the black leaves falling, and the changing of seasons...u could have come up with some FIRE ... if u re-did this stanza just a bit, i donno

    I look into the vast distance; passed the skies blue colorful hues
    remembering how the hummingbird's chirp matched your wondrous' mood
    cliche but GOOD, i.m.o.
    you were subtle with gloom;NEGATIVE grade. Absolutely terrible trite phrase for a rhyme fit. The old AJ we are trying to help cleanse... singing it to sleep with lovable tunesmeh.
    soothing any troubled creature that moved under the moon
    the flowers would bloom; every time it sensed your motion in presence
    your devotion to blessings captured rising oceans in essence
    you glowed with fluorescent fragrances that flourished your life
    time would stand still as your tranquil beauty allured in the night
    very solid flow here...back to the good writing we know u r capable of. nice 5 lines of vague trash here. the execution is nice.
    You were the source of delight; and I assured your leave wasn't in vain
    For your son is sustained; to shine his bright light on the coming of day
    not bad; but not great...the rhymez r fine here. content? the readers will decide.
    Through perilous clouds summoning gray; I'll clear the thunder and rain
    illuminating all that plummet in pain: all when I hover above the terrain
    Watch my radiance seize the hand, and dispose of the dire deeds of man
    And from the trees and grass to the seas and sand; I promise there’ll be a peaceful land
    ANOTHER HIGH GRADE AS YOU START TO CLOSE.....back to the good stuff man...It sounds like..fkn...sounds like God is Talking!!! This quatrain represents everything u r, to me....the good parts of you writing..."summoning gray" is a bit reachy/stretched??? ONLY thing keepin this quatrain from a perfect 10 bud...9.5!!!
    Once that need is grant;NEGATIVE GRADE. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PHRASE I hope you smile like the sweet sun you savored
    I’ll always remember you as my beloved creator; Mother Nature
    Rest of the closer is Okay, fine...but NOT THE FIRE OF THE QUATRAIN PREVIOUS....i enjoy the very final rhyme, that last line almost made me forget the need is grant.
    I am your humble servant, AJ.
    You may take all this as you wish...I respect that you write rhymes and try to make forceful pieces of rap.
    That said, as you may know, you have been roasted elswehwere (MOSTLY FOR YOUR PAST TRANSGRESSIONS)

    You seem to be reforemed now.
    Carry on.~
    Ditch the lame negative grade phrases man... and stick to those hayyymaker closers!!
    Last edited by Pharaohs Army; March 24th, 2023 at 01:12 AM

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