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Thread: dawn of stars

  1. #1
    Princess Jonny Knows Candy's Avatar
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    dawn of stars

    Dawn of Stars
    ..

    In the evening dew, a little Jewish girl teeths
    On her rubber rattle smelling of baby heart beats
    Her breath that of the sun on a stem, the stem on a knot
    Her days spending with daisies tieing them until they pop
    On "love me - love me nots"
    She hops with marbles by the kingdom fare
    To say that she is crippled at that age in her birthing affairs
    Legs crossed like her black cat, "ONYX" that is Princess
    Not just the word but the world consumed in its inches
    Her school uniform dawned at the moment of conception
    Her lessons of Queens once bathing inspections
    Nubian flesh, by land American summer breeze
    Turned dusty white on narrow roads for tumble weeds
    There is rumours of natives but as settlers she settels
    watching the daisies slowly wilt by there gold petal
    Sitting by the carts wheel she is embodied by her mum
    told we will need your baby teeth,
    that they wear
    for folk lore to LIVE ON
    curious más curioso y más curioso

  2. #2
    Princess Jonny Knows Candy's Avatar
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    Re: dawn of stars

    curious más curioso y más curioso

  3. #3
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    Re: dawn of stars

    Hi Candy. This was a descent drop. I think that it flowed well and the consistency of both staying on topic and word choice was descent also. It seemed to stay on topic all the way through this passage.

  4. #4

    Re: dawn of stars

    This is cute. You've definitely improved since I last read your work. Not sure where the cat fits into it, but the imagery checks out otherwise.
    "Summer breeze/tumbleweeds" is a great rhyme.
    The Semitic reference in the first line feels like unnecessary context, but other than that this makes for a good little Ballad for the Tooth Fairy
    stay busy wit tha pen

  5. #5
    Princess Jonny Knows Candy's Avatar
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    Re: dawn of stars

    thanks guys love the comment
    curious más curioso y más curioso

  6. #6
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    Re: dawn of stars

    Very creative to me
    Flow through the whole vs
    Lyric off the hook
    keep up the good work

  7. #7
    Princess Jonny Knows Candy's Avatar
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    Re: dawn of stars

    thanks one love
    curious más curioso y más curioso

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