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Thread: ...~!Tomorrow Never Comes!~...

  1. August 20th, 2004, 01:45 AM #1
    Standard
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    ...~!Tomorrow Never Comes!~...

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142442
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=141859

    Title : Tomorrow Never Comes
    Author : Standard

    Narrator
    I've watched him shed tears, and lay in bed with fears
    Of dying...Never knew what he went through over the years
    I pulled up a chair for myself and listened to my father
    If I didn't care of what he had to say, what bother?
    Father
    Now son, listen...no pun intended, but stop wishing
    That I'm not gonna die...cuz the lord gave me precision
    Stop crying, wipe away the tears off of your face
    Put a smile on it, and realize I'm going to a better place
    Standard
    Better place, how? I'm gonna be here all alone
    Rotting away without you, til blood runs outta my bones
    Father
    Before you start getting emotional, let me clear my thoughts
    Let me stop praying, and put away this wooden cross
    Now...I've lost your mother already, that was bad
    I know how much you missed her, and how much you were sad
    But when I go, don't act like you did when Momma wasn't here
    Get on with ya life, no trails of tears, nothing more to fear
    It's just you now, you have to control you own life
    You know I'm not gonna be here forever, get through this night
    Standard
    I'm not going to, you are my idol, your always there for me
    I'm gonna put a gun to my head, put it in the air for me
    Remember the days when I was always doing drugs?
    And you slapped some sense into me and gave me a big hug
    Well listen here father, that moment changed my life forever
    Sure, I'm a grown man but you're the bestest friend ever
    I could never go on without you, not under this pressure
    When you're here and locked in my arms, nothing's better
    Father
    Yeah son, nothing's better, I know what you mean
    But when you see my eyes shut, try not to scream
    Family's the only thing that anyone needs, youll need love
    But son, I'm sorry...for me, tomorrow never comes

    © Standard 2004-2005
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  2. August 20th, 2004, 06:30 PM #2
    Standard
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    thanx for the critique everyone, well appreciated.
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  3. August 20th, 2004, 10:14 PM #3
    Bare Fists
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    The concept, story, etc... All nice...but what you lack is strength in your words. It pretty much is the gap between a good writer...and a decent writer. Like what I mean is...you can get your point across through a story...but it's not very powerful. Symbolic messages are usually a great way of portraying great strength in the emotion that you are trying to depict thru words.

    Also...I felt that you could of maybe...gone more in-depth into the conversation between the son and the father. Your OM reminds me of a Hollywood film...shows what it's shows to show, but doesn't make you wanna see it twice.

    You know how to write, you know how to tell a story...it's time to take it to the next level...give it that extra kick that it needs to be considered great.

    Decent piece though. Keep at it.
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  4. August 20th, 2004, 11:49 PM #4
    CrhymeFyter
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    flows nice
    structure is cool
    could be more deep with the conversation
    overall - SOME GOOD SHIT!!!

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    "If you want to taste the ground...feel free to attack me!"

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  5. August 21st, 2004, 03:41 AM #5
    mc/flip
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    great story bro you have a creative mind....
    keep it up!!!

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    ............MC/FLIP............
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    ~down south liven~


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  6. August 21st, 2004, 10:24 AM #6
    NeoBaby
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    Damn I'm shocked, you did an nice piece, just need to go in depth a little bit more, it was original...Keep coming up

    >>>HOLLA
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  7. August 22nd, 2004, 10:20 AM #7
    Standard
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    yawn.............................................. .......................................
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  8. August 22nd, 2004, 10:35 AM #8
    NeoBaby
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    [url]http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142442[url/]
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  9. August 22nd, 2004, 04:15 PM #9
    Standard
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    ^never freepost in my thread again, you IM me.
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  10. August 22nd, 2004, 05:12 PM #10
    Bloom.Quist
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    Wasn't feeling it alot. Lacked in vocabulary, the story was not that great to me, and emotion wasnt well thought out. Didn't have much depth to it, and it was pretty much a Cliche' piece. Try to elevate all around. U have good talent, you just need elevation to elaborate that talent.
    Po'Ethics - Est. 2004



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  11. August 23rd, 2004, 01:33 AM #11
    Standard
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    ^^thanx lol...not my best. last up
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  12. August 23rd, 2004, 05:27 AM #12
    Telekinetic
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    Decent shit. The idea behind the story was pretty much cliche like was said before.
    Still it was ok. You could have went more in depth with it. Use some good imagry and metaphores. Make the reader visualize the story. I liked how you layed the peice out though. Makes for an easy read. You could have played off so much emotion in this. You failed to tell thing that were going on. You know like did he cry, laugh, shit or what did he do ya know? Hope I helped some. Peace
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