User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Locked

  1. #1
    Newbie Ka Blam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    37
    Posts
    8

    Locked

    Tunnel

    The fallen shall lay forever in the tunnel
    They shall be trapped forever
    The fallen shall lay forever in the tunnel
    They shall be trapped forever




    Torches lightin the tunnels, hazy days findin
    What you need from the weed, haze in your eyes blindin
    Dreary life grindin in the tunnel where the light seems to bend
    Prisms and prisons misdirectin everythin like fucked up friends
    Sparks of the metal clashin the enemy walls
    Hittin anythin in the black tunnel just makin sure that it falls
    If it breathes it will make sure it can't call
    Echoed danger has come around, crying 'I am mighty tall'
    Take it in like another new home, its somethin your generally used to
    Looks fine on the outside, Amityville on the inside its abused you
    shadowed darkness engulfed in a soul of hate
    Closin in faster than a reversed devilly pearled of world hate gate
    Strongly voices encaged in weak frame of mind
    Conscience is imbalanced, so is the world, leavin the 'good' blind
    Darker deceptions have reached the ears of new prey
    Evil lives in the tunnel,it shall never let you see new light of day
    Take forth a fourth step back, the beginnin of the impossible struggle
    Cut all existin ropes that have held you, life becomes less shallow like a puddle


    The fallen shall lay forever in the tunnel
    They shall be trapped forever
    The fallen shall lay forever in the tunnel
    They shall be trapped forever




    Don't be afraid to dare with life, even if evil endures
    Don't listen to 'him' even if he agrees that death insures
    There are shots of life, imaginative bullets
    Aim higher and don't fire blanks in the tunnel of echoing clips
    That you can hear inside of you and shoutin and screamin
    The life you once lived was the tunnel that was gleamin
    But the torch of your hope had burnt out, the cold wind of reality
    Raining was tears of profanity, the sun was once your sanity
    Death sometimes seems to follow like dark shadows, every breath a dare
    Turn around and that shadow moves, you can never see it but you'll always know its there
    The sun needs to relinquish the darkness that always follows
    Tears fall to make puddles and reflect your life, heavy burdens it can't swallow
    Deepness lies in the walls, you must break through to get to tomorrow
    Quietness has fallen like yourself, the heavy bleeding of the heart
    Reboundin shots of unhopefullness have sprung lighter than a life beginning from start
    Footsteps heared in the dark that are moving towards you, the eyes of death, but a wide deathly grin
    Body has turned to dust and being blown away, the cold wind of reality is death and the demon within


    The fallen shall lay forever in the tunnel
    They shall be trapped forever
    The fallen shall lay forever in the tunnel
    They shall be trapped forever

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...77#post2361177
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...89#post2361189

    this is definety my paece
    soits not biten or anyfin

  2. #2
    ...
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    1,643
    Battle Record
    14-2
    Um, I guess this was an igiht peace. Theres alot you can improve on tho.

  3. #3
    Jada
    Guest
    ITS OK.. expand vocab

  4. #4
    Banned ComplexDek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    -Studio-
    Age
    37
    Posts
    906
    Battle Record
    3-6
    nah...dont like it..

  5. #5
    The True Psycho of RB
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    My Own Mind
    Age
    40
    Posts
    3,164
    Battle Record
    1-0
    The subject was dark so i was feeling it but your verses lacked flow you need multies in your verses to make them stand out.
    Your imagery was decent but i think it would of been better if it was more graphic, your vocab was decent but you need to up it to describe better imagery and emotion. Also try and keep your bars to equal length.
    Next time you write just try to get your flow and imagery better.

    Return the feed:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=189410

Similar Threads

  1. Locked up
    By LiL'Ashby in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: February 22nd, 2010, 06:48 AM
  2. Locked Up
    By Sebby in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: February 17th, 2009, 02:50 PM
  3. Locked Up..
    By b_rEEz in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: December 17th, 2005, 10:28 AM
  4. Locked Up!
    By Ruffneck Soulja in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: August 17th, 2005, 12:21 AM
  5. Locked UP
    By Expo. in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: April 4th, 2005, 10:33 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •