multies

[7th Warrior]

foriegn explorer, warning reporters of tortured orbits/
reforming the sources, born in the corals that scorched the waters/
7th Warrior stretches of travel, pattled in channels/
entrapped in capsules panelled in battles for maps of castles/
revolve like an axil, spin like a dradle thru ancient fables/
enabled and playful, stapled in cables, my flames are painful/
like naval offenses, pensively dented from independence/
intended to mend us, men that pretended to protect us/
my intentions for mortals, over mobiles, i buy coastal with noval/
proposals that told more horrors than mutated specimans in Chenorbyl/
i seen the hunger thru blurry lenses/
defence is government clenches and laughs over family pensions/
defining your horrid expenses of nuclear weapons/
so i keep sharper senses, so as not to be the next rotting in trenches/
precisity beckons, but i block it out in seconds/
i could transend into specteral dimensions thru astro projection/
a murderers fate has caused my morbid state/
and i question my actions...now am i deserving this hate/

[7th Warrior]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184666

[7th Warrior]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184681

[CrazyCarl]

This was a good experiment type piece for you to work on. However you need to apply what you've practiced, to a piece you would write to a topic. Rhyming like this can get you off the topic, so when you are writing to something specific, multis will improve the quality of the verse, but can take you off point if you force it.
Return the feedback on "Mentally Wealthy" in my sig.

[7th Warrior]

^^word...thanks for that feedback and no doubt i will check your post...one

[warchild]

This was a decent verse the title didnt go well with the verse cause there wasnt a lot of multies in the piece the vocab was way above average so that always helps a verse your structure was ok too so next time you write try and up the flow and your verses will be better.

Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=189410

[Bounce]

^ Please don't leave bullshit feed like this ever again! No mulites? Flow neeeds to be upped? WTF are you serious, this peice was lacking in many areas but multies and flow were the areas it was loaded as fuck! YOu need to learn to find a dicernable meter in the read, then pay close attention to the rhyeme scheme, if you say this didn't flow, you know SHIT about a scheme other than the conventional crap! This was really close to what I do in a topical peice or an audio, this had great assonance and that was directly attributed to his meter scheme and word chioce, which is a component of 'FLOW' in a text peice. I sick you people thinking they know shit, and then corrupting our newer members here, so please never act like you know something in here and when you leave some feedback please make sure it's valid or I'm going to whore you! This peice was almost blistering as I read it aloud, honestly I can spit this in audio, so that tells me you are not a rookies to writing. You do however need to work on concept and direction ucz this peice althought good, did not go anywhere. The meta have been done before, but were not too shabby. complexity was there, and diction was good, but emotion anf imagery seemed to lack in comparision. I would think out my drop better and paint a picture using all the components of a solid drop. This one stood out in terms of scheme and textual componenet of 'flow', but int he end, it fizzled out due to the lacking in the areas i pointed out above.

Pleas edon't let out uninformed lead you astray, there was nothing wrong with this scheme or "flow", actually it was beeter than the average head here, you just need to touch up the rest...

-Bounce