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Last edited by Illus'; November 23rd, 2008 at 02:46 PM
Uppin would appreciate some feed.
Very... repettetive.
Don't take that the wrong way until I explain myself....
Now, you may use many multis, but.. You sort of just drag them on, some commas would be nice to show you know what your talking about. Haha. Vocabulary was nice, and definately needed for this piece, the ending was a good kicker for sure.
I know, for a fact.. You had taken time over some months to gather this kind of skill in writing. I'm expecting you to say "well, duh".. But with skill comes thought. The very last line, just shows you've had some time to think of your own emotions. And being 27, yep, I'd expect it.
Most would consider this a work of emo.
I consider it a work of progress. Very nice, and well thought out.
A good read. Your a good writer, friend.
Please get this:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292652
This was a decient drop....It gave me that in the club poetry open mic session type of feel which is not bad......The imagery was aiight, but the structure and rhyme scheme were what grabbed my attention ...... as a reader I felt that you keep me focused on the piece and left little time to stray away by staying on the topic.....Just a good drop man keep it up ...
Appreciate the feed-back from both of you
can I have more from other heads?
This is an emotional piece. Every word of it tries to support the tittle. I liked the one word isolation of words, really add to the piece. Also the imagery was okay on a whole. What could have been improved is the readers ability to follow it. I feel no attachment to the character in the piece, I think its important when doing writtens to make a story for your character so they can recognize and relate with him/her. It helps develope the piece on many levels and makes your piece seem that your not being deep for the sake of being deep.
RTF The Tragedy of Sargon if you have time:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292751
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ty I will make sure to give you feed as well.
Just give me a few.
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