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Thread: something like a funeral

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    something like a funeral

    Cries of a dog,
    he bereaves his voice.
    It's long gone.
    And when it happened,
    he didn't know it was murder.
    Of course not,
    you never see these things coming.
    Foresight like that
    could cripple you
    quickly.
    Looking back,
    I don't know how he did it-
    How that dog used to smile
    a grin like upside down coat hangers.
    It appeared out of nowhere,
    and carved a deep night
    into the 6th of July.
    Sure,
    you could call it a coincidence,
    but no cracks hid between his teeth.
    When summer roll'd her legs out,
    He could sing about anything
    but preferred to sing about little things
    like
    the arch of her foot,
    or the flower on her wall.
    Both breathtaking.
    I'd see him in her front yard
    sometimes.
    Quiet as an ellipses.
    Staring off
    into an abandoned house across the street
    like he could still see
    the family that moved away years ago.
    Boy, they used quarrel.
    You could set your clocks
    by the police sirens
    and windows breaking
    from the inside out.
    Their kid would face off with the dog
    each and every day after school.
    The boy was always scared,
    you could tell
    by the way he would prop up his back pack
    high up on his shoulders
    right before he reached the lawn the dog slept on,
    like a soldier
    carrying the last of his possessions off into war.
    I guess we all have our own version of bravery.
    Those days don't matter much now.
    not since that girl went missing,
    just like the family
    that used to live across the street.
    That dog don't sing no more.
    Cries all fucking night though,
    keeps me from my sleep.
    I don't mind too much,
    I've always been the type of guy
    who needs an excuse to write.
    So that dog can howl his heart out.
    I'm a man
    that loves his loneliness,
    so I consider it lovely,
    to know that the dog still
    loves that girl.
    murder murder

  2. #2
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    first off, links... I'll feed after.
    thanks

  3. #3
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    This man doesn't need links.

    Sharp, I've been following the more recent stuff closely bro. I really like the way they've been progressing. They read easy enough at first but hold so much in that they require a couple more reads. I've seriously found myself going through this, thinking about it for awhile, and then came back and read it again a few days later. The flow of almost a narrative voice from the beginning but keeping a poetic descriptiveness is just brilliant, as if the reader was looking through your eyes. It almost demands relation. And it's the simple complexity of things like "quite as an ellipses" that sometimes make me envy you. Well done homie.

    -Mind
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  4. #4
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    I'm surprised that anyone has been paying that much attention to my new shit. I thought I'd lose any connection to the poets I grew with when my style started evolving. That said, feedback like that was critical mind. I get a lot of recognition from the people around me for what I do, and at open mics and slams I usually get compliments but no one gives my shit any sort of criticism. The fact that someone I respect as a writer sees what I do and comprehends what it is I'm doing is kick-ass. My style has become something that I hope any poet can understand and hopefully get something out of it, but the casual poetry fan will be able to just read for face value.
    murder murder

  5. #5
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ss-391402.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-390876.html

    Because I thought this was dope... I'm giving you links. But there are rules in here and I'm it's my job to uphold them. I simply ask that you respect me and the other writers enough to give links and follow by the same rules. I dont want PS to have an elitist class of writers that are untouched.

    anyway, this was so good. A lot of people on RB judeg based on the originality of the piece: the overall concept. I say the overall concept is beautiful not because it's original, but because it's more real. The personification of the dog is brilliant; the images used to make the reader relate were beautiful. The way the poem read is awesome; it was almost as if it had a narrator over a film playing with the images. I could hear this being read outloud...
    This is was real, raw, and connected with me as reader because of this. For a writer on RB, you have broken free from the RB style of what is normally expected. Either way, I'm noming this.

    I've got a verse with Spekz and I below if you want to hit that.

  6. #6
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    whoah who are you calling untouched?

    i welcome all of you to touch me
    murder murder

  7. #7
    Banned Dios de Hip Hop's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    it was decent but nothing more than decent. I definately expected a lot better from you when I came into this thread taking into consideration the hostile, hot headed feedback you leave for people.

  8. #8
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: something like a funeral

    you misunderstood. im not being hostile, im being honest. i appreciate your honesty as well. i'll try to make my next piece a better than decent.
    murder murder

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