Another Life

[Jawn Raw]

I look up to the sky as I’m laying on my back.
Glancing at the mortals loathing of my stress,
The priest speaks wisdom; praying to attract
A great future filled with lemons to possess.

I caress their moans, taking in all the depression
Left inside the profound tears dripping down.
This family reunion has finally happened now,
As I feel soul-less but found with expression.

It’s hard to tell if this is the present or past.
Feeling unaware of the chance to shine,
Only time can subside the lament I grasp.
Contributing to the fear, I advance and find
Another life with many opportunities to take.
I prevail: immortal with my own unity to make.

[Jawn Raw]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...fe-396068.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ns-395648.html

[R. Frost]

This picture looks really familiar, is it from IE or SS, i think i wrote to it before. if not it was very similar. anyways on with the feed.

I'm not really sure what to say about this. there are parts i liked and other parts just seemed really boring to me. Might be due to the fact that there wasnt enough imagery for me in the piece, and your emotion seemed kind of dull. i dont know if that is what you were going for with the emotion since you was supposed to be dead or not but yeah. i did like these two lines though

I caress their moans, taking in all the depression
Left inside the profound tears dripping down.

That to me was your best lines of imagery and emotion in it. the first line of that was pretty dope i must say. and the second line was another good part for your imagery, but also could be precieved as emotion aswell.

anyways this wasnt a bad piece, i hope your not offended by my critique, just my opnion. i'd like to see more from you.


rtf please
Kissing Disease

[Ntalek]

word...I'd kinda have to agree with ^^that cat..about some parts being a bit boring...but then other's kinda like damn..if he would've kept it with this level of emotion or consistancy persay..I thought the overall take was cool though although I'm not a big fan of rhythmatic poetry..this was still aiight for what it was..all in all cool drop though..i didn't even know you wrote poetry...

[Jawn Raw]

^are you retarded man, I'm Paranoid

lol thanks for the feedback though, i'm not a fan of this kind of poetry either, i did these poems for creative writing class.

[Jon]

Cool

I like how you added a little rhyming in this. It just helps make this (PS) a place with more varieties. I like to see something from people I don't normally read. This was short, so you really had to pack it in with every little detail or important meaning you could, and quick. I think you did that well, but it was just secondary to me. I wanted to see how well your rhyming was, and you did that very nicely. The flow was good, but the wordchoice could've been a little less forced. Imo, you just need to let the words come out as you feel they should, trust your gut instints. But then again, the last few words might have to be forced when you have a rhymescheme. Keep writing though man, greatly appreciated. Hit up one of my pieces if you can...

[Jawn Raw]

nice feed dude. you're right i had to struggle to find words to fit with my rhyme scheme. also the words i used to rhyme were tough to think of as well. i could have used different terms but then this would be a totally different poem. thanks though good shit

[Dan V]

Very nice, and what a great concept to go with the image.
There could be a thousand detailed ways to approach this piece and I liked what you did.
It grabbed me that you only wrote three stanzas and I feel that was good,
any more could have ruined the empathy and imagery that you got wrote down.
Take your first line, "I look up to the sky as I’m laying on my back.", that's a pretty simple line, no real overpowering language...but it is a brilliant line that is perfect to open the piece, you've already told your story by writing this, anything else is mere beauty to back up the concept, you captured so gracefully.


If you could return the favor please,
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-399363.html