Between Life And Death

[Chris Dolmeth..]

Between Life And Death

All my time spent on this inauspicious earth had come to nought
Only memories and tales of arduous battles well fought
with scar wounds deep like canyons filled with Anguish
my life filled with extraneous decorations leave me Tainted
darkness seems beautiful and elegant,it's somewhere i need to be
where the rose stems bleed toxins that make me feel free
they say lifes a stroll? but i feel trapped and not Whole
Like nest dwellers awaiting to Joust and ridicule my soul
subfuscous mist form obscuring my vision and Path
consciousness suddenly expires, another Victim of Lifes Wrath

Shadows abrade dawn
Wind whistles songs lost in day;
raven stalks its prey

My thoughts blurred together, stretching forever, and fading to black
distorted mind n clarity lacks, can't differentiate if seconds or minutes have passed
n although im at rest on my back, I feel as im just a single entity of sentience thats
totally detached, from my physical self, so my physical health means nothing now
with clouded judgement, im shrouded in apprehension of this dusk thats coming about,
afraid of this overwhelming fate, but somehow an uncertainty of reality screams aloud
A feeling of unease bestows me, like a balloon thats rising up through these storm clouds,
now the curtains closing, my futures overcast, my being's expiration is iminent
and I feel in this world, I can no longer last, this life slipping from my grasp, im gasping
as I feel my very existence drain away like the lake thats evaporating

Taunting starlit gaze
Fugue strays out of days
Morning lies in grey

Clouds desperse with words churned in a hurst,
Thoughts getting worst as blood stains the tip of my words.
Dabble the reason to be obnoxious with a pathological dream,
Shadow the sky with holocaust screams to fill my canteen.
Hurling last nights soul out into the fountain of youth,
Beckoning soup for hearts that need the warmth from truth.
Slap surreal across the face to manage who is the leader,
Couple of alcohol drips, stained blade and blown speakers.
Just to set the mood right for the dusk till dawn advocate,
Cause earth Is a lifeless bitch I've fucked for time management.
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fed
Haunted In The Astral
Love Is... Pt 1
Form and Function

[Ocsar Rasco]

everything is tight

but this is my fav part

Clouds desperse with words churned in a hurst,
Thoughts getting worst as blood stains the tip of my words.
Dabble the reason to be obnoxious with a pathological dream,
Shadow the sky with holocaust screams to fill my canteen.
Hurling last nights soul out into the fountain of youth,
Beckoning soup for hearts that need the warmth from truth.
Slap surreal across the face to manage who is the leader,
Couple of alcohol drips, stained blade and blown speakers.
Just to set the mood right for the dusk till dawn advocate,
Cause earth Is a lifeless bitch I've fucked for time management.
.
good job

[manny_man]

Killed it bruva top dawg writing well dne bro

[Flipped]

thanks for the feedback here is mine in return. your vocab is powerful and left me lost but flow never fell. if anything you tought me!!

All my time spent on this inauspicious earth had come to nought
Only memories and tales of arduous battles well fought
with scar wounds deep like canyons filled with Anguish
my life filled with extraneous decorations leave me Tainted
darkness seems beautiful and elegant,it's somewhere i need to be
where the rose stems bleed toxins that make me feel free
they say lifes a stroll? but i feel trapped and not Whole
Like nest dwellers awaiting to Joust and ridicule my soul
obfuscous mist form obscuring my vision and Path
consciousness suddenly expires, another Victim of Lifes Wrath

Story is forming well. delivery is powerful but flow is hardto grab but that might just be me. your word obfuscous isntregistering in my dictionary

Shadows abrade dawn
Wind whistles songs lost in day;
raven stalks its prey

nice set up but verse wise its shortfrom what you were writing in threw me but if it started the poem and resurfaced here that would make since

My thoughts blurred together, stretching forever, and fading to black
distorted mind n clarity lacks, can't differentiate if seconds or minutes have passed
n although im at rest on my back, I feel as im just a single entity of sentience thats
totally detached, from my physical self, so my physical health means nothing now

Hmmmm run on from hell

with clouded judgement, im shrouded in apprehension of this dusk thats coming about,
afraid of this overwhelming fate, but somehow an uncertainty of reality screams aloud
A feeling of unease bestows me, like a balloon thats rising up through these storm clouds,
now the curtains closing, my futures overcast, my being's expiration is iminent

N

and I feel in this world, I can no longer last, this life slipping from my grasp, im gasping
as I feel my very existence drain away like the lake thats evaporating

Taunting starlit gaze
Fugue strays out of days
Morning lies in grey

Clouds desperse with words churned in a hurst,
Thoughts getting worst as blood stains the tip of my words.
Dabble the reason to be obnoxious with a pathological dream,
Shadow the sky with holocaust screams to fill my canteen.
Hurling last nights soul out into the fountain of youth,
Beckoning soup for hearts that need the warmth from truth.
Slap surreal across the face to manage who is the leader,
Couple of alcohol drips, stained blade and blown speakers.
Just to set the mood right for the dusk till dawn advocate,
Cause earth Is a lifeless bitch I've fucked for time management.

[Flipped]

my cat just jumped on the keys and caused me to sendtoo soon

[Flipped]

and I feel in this world, I can no longer last, this life slipping from my grasp, im gasping
as I feel my very existence drain away like the lake thats evaporating

Nice build up

Taunting starlit gaze
Fugue strays out of days
Morning lies in grey

Hmmmm nice beat per measure following the last corus but what?????

Clouds desperse with words churned in a hurst,
Thoughts getting worst as blood stains the tip of my words.
Dabble the reason to be obnoxious with a pathological dream,
Shadow the sky with holocaust screams to fill my canteen.
Hurling last nights soul out into the fountain of youth,
Beckoning soup for hearts that need the warmth from truth.
Slap surreal across the face to manage who is the leader,
Couple of alcohol drips, stained blade and blown speakers.
Just to set the mood right for the dusk till dawn advocate,
Cause earth Is a lifeless bitch I've fucked for time management.

What???? I see flow but what happend to the poem????? I know you put this down and started again. I

[MADDNES53]

All my time spent on this inauspicious earth had come to nought
Only memories and tales of arduous battles well fought
with scar wounds deep like canyons filled with Anguish
my life filled with extraneous decorations leave me Tainted
Bruh, anguish and tainted dont rhyme. i'm just saying...
darkness seems beautiful and elegant,it's somewhere i need to be
where the rose stems bleed toxins that make me feel free
cute...
they say lifes a stroll? but i feel trapped and not Whole
good line
Like nest dwellers awaiting to Joust and ridicule my soul
who joust's anymore? you're alienating your audience. also, are you writing this with a dictionary in had? try to simplify
obfuscous mist form obscuring my vision and Path
wtf is obfuscous? did you mean subfuscous?
consciousness suddenly expires, another Victim of Lifes Wrath

Shadows abrade dawn
Wind whistles songs lost in day;
raven stalks its prey

My thoughts blurred together, stretching forever, and fading to black
distorted mind n clarity lacks, can't differentiate if seconds or minutes have passed
n although im at rest on my back, I feel as im just a single entity of sentience thats
totally detached, from my physical self, so my physical health means nothing now
with clouded judgement, im shrouded in apprehension of this dusk thats coming about,
afraid of this overwhelming fate, but somehow an uncertainty of reality screams aloud
A feeling of unease bestows me, like a balloon thats rising up through these storm clouds,
now the curtains closing, my futures overcast, my being's expiration is iminent
and I feel in this world, I can no longer last, this life slipping from my grasp, im gasping
as I feel my very existence drain away like the lake thats evaporating

get off your high horse. you're speaking in parables. what is it that is actually bothering you? try giving the audience something to relate to. you know, as a human being.

Taunting starlit gaze
Fugue strays out of days
Morning lies in grey

Clouds desperse with words churned in a hurst,
Thoughts getting worst as blood stains the tip of my words.
Dabble the reason to be obnoxious with a pathological dream,
Shadow the sky with holocaust screams to fill my canteen.
Hurling last nights soul out into the fountain of youth,
Beckoning soup for hearts that need the warmth from truth.
Slap surreal across the face to manage who is the leader,
Couple of alcohol drips, stained blade and blown speakers.
Just to set the mood right for the dusk till dawn advocate,
Cause earth Is a lifeless bitch I've fucked for time management
you've managed to say nothing in about a whole page. congrats

[Chris Dolmeth..]

Thanks Flipped lol dident quite get your last piece of feedback man..lol
and the word is subfuscous sorry about the miss spell..and i dident get your last part what yo was saying man.. the verse's are in Order as is in the Thread Description Kritical/PC did the haikus....thank's for taking the time and reading..

and MADDNES53 why you really mad bro?..lol

[Erebus]

I'll feed each verse, I actually can't remember who did which one, which is quite interesting to read.

The first one I felt at times had a struggled flow. The words and descriptions were very good, but at times I felt like I stumbled, wether this was due to wording or just lines having different levels, I can't diffrentiate. The imagery was very good, my favourite of which being the "where roses bleed toxins". I felt that was a powerful image, and it connected quite well.

The second one to me had by far the best flow throughout the piece. It just mixed together very well and everything connected like a puzzle. The wording was really good, and the "fading to black" line was very good and brought the picture into the piece very well. I felt there was a slight lack of imagery throughout this piece however. There were slight times where I was feeling that I was just going through the motions or reading it, and whilst compelled by the flow, I felt that I was not getting much of a mental image to go off of.

The thid verse was my personal favourite. From the start, it had great imagery. The "blood stains the tip of my words" was really strong, and gave a great image to the reader. It flowed together really well and everything fit together nicley. There were some metaphores and stuff which kept me compelled throughout.

Overall, a really good drop. Usually I come down hard on the simplistic rhyme scheme in which you guys used, but I felt that it was really needed in this piece. The one word gave it a good feel and made sure that no one went off by forcing some multies into place. There is only one thing that let the piece down to me, and that was chemestry. I never really felt that each verse offered a transition into a new state, which I know was intended. I felt that each verse had it's own feel and had a vague story, but it never progressed from the verse which preceeded it. That is the hardest element to include, and I feel like it is the only short coming that you can point out. Great drop, and each guy really showed their skills as a big contender in any topical fasion.

RTF: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...610/index.html