Verse for your critiquing.

[Mattie]

I was never happy with / all the shit you made me live / through and through the fire and flames / we escaped / with our happiness / but a little bit of us / had to catch a diff'rent bus / hopping on hopping off / we got used to standing up / for what we believe in / said that you were leaving / choked you / bit me / slapped you up / you tried to stop me breathing / but you took my breath away kissin' me that evenin' / on the first night we met / you said that I would never get / another chance at seeing you but look at me I'm on the set / directors chair / movie of your life / side by side / and now we've been there, done that, seen it /

[Mattie]

Any criticisms (good or bad) would be really appreciated. And any advice would be fantastic. Thanks.

[abiona]

Welcome to the board. This belongs in the Open Mic section. I'm moving this there now. You will need to provide feedback to others in there in order for this to remain open.

Check the rules at the top of the forum - respond to two others and then post the links to their pieces in this thread.

Enjoy!

[Mattie]

Thank you very much. I'll do that now.

[#PrimeTime]

okay first off, based on what you wrote down i can't give feedback on the way you structured your lines... ill try to break it down as best as i can..

I was never happy with
all the shit you made me live
through and through the fire and flames
we escaped with our happiness
but a little bit of us
had to catch a diff'rent bus
hopping on hopping off
we got used to standing up
for what we believe in
said that you were leaving
choked you
bit me
slapped you up
you tried to stop me breathing
but you took my breath away kissin' me that evenin'
on the first night we met
you said that I would never get
another chance at seeing you but look at me I'm on the set
directors chair
movie of your life
side by side
and now we've been there, done that, seen it

like i said i didnt know if your original piece was actually supposed to be structured like the way you set it up, but i tried breaking it down as best as i could so in my mind i think it made sense to me...I think you have some cool aspects and concepts but this piece was all over the place. Your opening and closing lines were alright but between lines the transition didnt connect. Think of like a poem and how the lines connect with each other, try making your lines like that. You have good ideas, but i don't understand how you go from hating someone to going to a movie and being all good.. i suggest work on adding some imagery and emotion as well. No hate, keep your head up, keep writing. good work.

[Essen]

Hey man welcome to the site. The best advice I can offer you is go read some of the open mic hall of fame/legend pieces and see first how the verses are structured. Not only the line break up, but the actual structure of the piece and how the introduction usually set up vivid imagery and tone, leading into the story/rant, climaxing, then resolving. There was some emotion in this piece, 'we got used to standing up' as well as 'you tried to stop me breathing', and you did give some introduction as to how you guys shared something special, but that idea wasn't brought out enough. Try using comparisons, more of the ones like the director's concept along with metas, similes, wordplay to heighten your descriptions. Again, read what's been put out on this board and you will elevate immediately. Not a bad start man, keep it up

[Anonymous1ne]

First and foremost i wanna say welcome to the board! 2nd, some, not all, but some of my pieces are similarly structured like yours so i can comment on this with good critique. Your piece the way its structured has some good lines, but you dont stay consistent with rhyme. and the lines are short. Maybe a little bit more wording in the lines to make it flow better. I can see this piece, being personal and all, structured better, so i challenge you to take this piece, rewrite it, take everything were telling you, and put it into one exciting piece. Again, you can ask around or view my pieces and u can see similar structure to yours, my pieces might not be the best, but you can see the structure and how i have it. I hope to see an edited version of this, maybe a long version with a story feeling to it. i think you got it in you. Keep up the work man!

[Prophet Margin]

good ideas and content, you need more direction to your piece, and more technical skills, with rhyming, structure, poetic devices and all that, that will come with practice.

what you do have atleast, is the skill to create a story, even if its rudimentary....and the presence of mind to use metaphors to enhance creativity.....technical skill will come with practice and observation of other writers

welcome to RB