Dark, dark, darkness
There's no light
Just darkness
No shadows
All light is swallowed
Souls taken from bodies
Hollowed
Sense lost
No direction to follow
Living off time
Everything is borrowed
All this sadness and pain
Sorrow
Living for today
Not promised tomorrow
No truth in lies
Just pitch black skies
Wondering why
How did they die
Regrets haunt the past
No retries
There's tears in your eyes
As you watch her die
Terrorizing The Womb Since '91
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I like the concept of this, mourning a friends death I would suppose. It starts out good. The first 3 lines drill the darkness part into the head. Anymore may have been overkill, but it was just enough. The last 8 lines weren't as great imo. I think you fell into the trap of trying to rhyme words and it hurt your piece. Rhyming isn't necessarily bad, but it isn't necessary for it to be poetry. For example, though the idea of "souls taken from bodies, hollowed" was cool, hollowed really confined the idea to just that. It could have been expanded more had you been writing more free verse. This is a good poem, and it's a cool concept, and I enjoyed it. Keep writing.
"A Poem can curve
Like the bell of a tulip
Or a pistol grip"
-Joel Dias-Porter
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