Summer Sixteen Kwik Key Tourney: Championship Battle: The Law wins 3-1

[143]

@thelaw @ Lionheart

Check in by 8/14

Verse by 8/15

NO EXTENSIONS

This is for the #1 seed in the league and first use of competitor's power.

Here are your topics

http://img09.deviantart.net/375a/i/2...ol-dadqgx3.jpg

http://img12.deviantart.net/ca84/i/2...yn-dadpm2n.jpg

http://pre10.deviantart.net/bffd/th/..._h-dadowlt.jpg

http://orig03.deviantart.net/9500/f/...66-dadln36.jpg

[The Law]

Check

[Soule]

Much better topics , I'll write soon.

[Soule]

http://orig03.deviantart.net/9500/f/...66-dadln36.jpg

From these words comes a passionate burn, like acid as it turns,
it begins with a child as he squirms, crying behind glasses, hurt.
Daddy didn't enjoy touching mom, so he'd crush my jaw,
done with God, he'd destroy any love at all just for the lustful wrong.
So I grew up unhinged, a sickness within, twisted with sins,
and I still clinch my fists if he's mentioned, the vivid visions begin.
I met my wife at a circus, spewing bible verses as I made balloons,
a woman of faith and a buffoon, who knew our fates would fuse.
Though lately I feel like she hates me as I'm always on the road,
she was constantly alone, now I fear she's taken another throne.
So I sit here today with hope that God can save my broken soul,
every omen that I know holds onto my throat like a golden rope.

Son, that's not how the lord works, first you must forgive yourself,
and then in order to help he must pull your consciousness from Hell.

Well then I guess I'll take this vest and wipe away the slate,
a couple grenades and some nitrogen should elevate my faith...

[The Law]

http://img09.deviantart.net/375a/i/2...ol-dadqgx3.jpg

The dragonfly, so majestic across the power it reflects
and like them... I wasn't always encountered with respect.
One parent a schizo, the other was a drug addled junkie
and as I grew up all the tough apples punched me
Walked the neighborhood, alone as a despicable larvae
Struggling, learning... Experiencing, a cynical hard life
A solitary childhood, the door open to become an addict
or a suicidal child that ends up in orlando to murder the faggots
But I developed strength, my wings cracked through the surface
A mind full of circuits, I began adapting with purpose
Became this beautiful being, successful and vibrant
The will to endure and leave a stressful environment
Like that dragonfly, I became a symbol of self realization
Now on my death bed, my children stare with amazement
I smile knowing that my past life no longer bares the harness
As my brittle wings flake off and disappear where I started!!

[143]

@SELF ACTIVATE @OG Maestro @TheIllyricist @King Prince @Nahlidge @Judge Mentill @L.E @143 @Emily @Jukon @trajik @God of War @ILLunatic @KnowP @Goliath @Revelation 18:3 @Sammy @YD @Enoch Light

[OG Maestro]

Great verses guys, really.

Lionheart - Won with this rhythm and rhyme-adeptness. I liked the similes too.
Law - Won this with metaphors and storytelling.

Overall, surprisingly, I'm going with Law because of how much he gave us in this short verse. He connected the dragonfly's travels to his own life's tribulations ( at least a character's life, if not his own ) and it meshed together nicely. Though, Dagel's read better and was pretty solid technically but didn't have the depth that Law's verse had. Also, Dagel's last 4 lines seem disconnected and kinda rushed; not rushed as in written quickly, in the literal sense...but as if it wasn't paced properly towards the end so that it smoothly concluded.

But this was a good battle.

Vote: The Law

[King Prince]

my vote go to lionheart. was a clear choice for me doesn't mean it wasnt a good battle. while both were creative in bringing in elements to the story that were outside the picture I just felt that lionheart did a better job of making these elements work (his jesus loving wife), while law more or less used the topic to set up metaphoric symbolisms of the beginning and end of his life. I loved that take on it but the beginning and end were where the dragonfly metaphor/imagery stopped. lionheart put a little more into the detail of every line. and when you only got 16 all of them gotta count.

that's purely what I based my vote on but besides that lionheart had the edge in vocab and storytelling, though I did feel that I was drawn into and more connected with laws piece. good drops fellas

vote lionheart

[Manc Sinatra]

From these words comes a passionate burn, like acid as it turns,
it begins with a child as he squirms, crying behind glasses, hurt.

flow was mad choppy tbh, syllables also don't line up right on your multies here. Bit wishy-washy for me as an opener. Kinda like you're trying too hard to sound poetic and falling a little flat

Daddy didn't enjoy touching mom, so he'd crush my jaw,
done with God, he'd destroy any love at all just for the lustful wrong.

Hmm, not feeling the rhymes and that second bar is stretched out like a motherfucker. Are you saying he beat you here or sexually abused you? It's not clear enough tbh, I'm not finding much real direction so far

So I grew up unhinged, a sickness within, twisted with sins,
and I still clinch my fists if he's mentioned, the vivid visions begin.

Hmm, tbh, this seems more about the multies than the content. A lot of this feels a little disconnected for me, I know it's a quick key thing but you had 24 hour to write this, it's a single 16 and it's sloppy as hell so far

I met my wife at a circus, spewing bible verses as I made balloons,
a woman of faith and a buffoon, who knew our fates would fuse.

huh? seriously that was some disconnect in narrative there and tbh the switch from supposed deep/hard hitting to a more humorous tone really threw me off kilter

Though lately I feel like she hates me as I'm always on the road,
she was constantly alone, now I fear she's taken another throne.

yeah tbh man this is far too scattered and lacking coherency. I'm also not seeing the "throne" reference here, you haven't mentioned any for of royalty metaphor and I'm assuming you're not talking about a toilet?

So I sit here today with hope that God can save my broken soul,
every omen that I know holds onto my throat like a golden rope.

tbh, this would've been ok if you weren't forcing your rhymes so hard. "golden rope" is a filler description just to match your multie, that's kinda noob shit tbh.

Son, that's not how the lord works, first you must forgive yourself,
and then in order to help he must pull your consciousness from Hell.

yeah but no. You need to up your Theology game tbh, that's not at all how it works in Christianity or any of the Abrahamic religions. For that, this fell flat for me

Well then I guess I'll take this vest and wipe away the slate,
a couple grenades and some nitrogen should elevate my faith...

and again a total disconnect in the narrative. I dunno man, from top to bottom this is probably the worst I've seen you drop. I came in expecting a lot more but I was massively disappointed here. I dunno if the 24 hour time constraint fucked you or you just struggled with the topics given or what but this was really not very good writing at all, the schemes were basic and sometimes off by syllables, the narrative was all over the place and there seemed to be no real focus in the piece. I'd honestly give this a 1.5/5 tops. Sorry

The dragonfly, so majestic across the power it reflects
and like them... I wasn't always encountered with respect.

Hmmm ok, not sure I'm feeling the opener but we'll see how the concept plays out across the verse. flow is smooth.

One parent a schizo, the other was a drug addled junkie
and as I grew up all the tough apples punched me

this is nice and concise, not seeing the dragonfly connection though. Flow's still smooth

Walked the neighborhood, alone as a despicable larvae
Struggling, learning... Experiencing, a cynical hard life

ah I see, you're using it as an all encompassing metaphor. I'm not totally sold on that concept tbh, your flow is nice and the narrative is coherent.

A solitary childhood, the door open to become an addict
or a suicidal child that ends up in orlando to murder the faggots

ooo, not sure on the line tbh, prolly go down well to the crowd here but a bit beyond the pale for me in a piece like this but aite.

But I developed strength, my wings cracked through the surface
A mind full of circuits, I began adapting with purpose

I like the flip, this is the first time the dragonfly/insect metaphor works for me. flow is still on point and schemes are tight

Became this beautiful being, successful and vibrant
The will to endure and leave a stressful environment

I'm liking the narrative, though I'm not totally sold on the metaphor to be honest. The flow is keeping my interest though

Like that dragonfly, I became a symbol of self realization
Now on my death bed, my children stare with amazement

I like that you're using the insect metaphor to condense a lifetime into a short period of time. Symbolically it connects some of the time, though for me this is again a bit of a sudden jerk in the narrative.

I smile knowing that my past life no longer bares the harness
As my brittle wings flake off and disappear where I started!!

hmmm, yeah not a fan of the closer. I think for me conceptually the piece fell a little flat, though the flow and schemes were nice and you kept a focused narrative. I just didn't really connect much with the metaphor, I like the way you used it to reflect the story I'm just not certain I identify a dragonfly with all of those things personally

Overall I'd say that The Law had a stronger narrative, better flow, better rhyme schemes and overall total delivery. I do think Lionheart stayed closer to his picture but the narrative was scattered and disjointed throughout and the technique was much lower than I've seen him display elsewhere, almost hard to believe it's the same writer at times. I wasn't a huge fan of either piece though if I'm honest. I'm going to have to edge it to the Law for an all-round better verse but tbh this whole battle was a disappointment.

[143]

L

I see where you were going with this verse. How you were trying to tie the subtle aspects of the pic as major parts of the story. For me the story wasn't as static as I thought it should be with the pic. You delved into the dark undertones for a minute then there was this rush to bring salvation from the darkness, like a light switch when I thought it should have been a gradual increase that would tether that dark feeling as well shining with the newness the character was feeling.

Law
For your verse I liked how you started out bringing the rep of the dragonfly into play but it felt singular in its presence. I was looking for it to be more intertwined into the story and not just a reference point. You do have some good storytelling here beyond the insect and weaving the current state of it against the diminutive aspects it had. But had you woven in the actual dragonfly into the background vs being an idol, you would have made this choice easier

I go with Law. Even though his story had moments that were staccato in movement he supplanted that suddenness with a great storyline that played well with everything else of the topic. If Lion had continued with the dark aspects in the background while presenting this revelation, this vote would be his...


The Law wins 3-1